WHAT IF I TOLD YOU…

Sometimes change comes easier when it happens within.

Perhaps it would be better to say that I am kick-starting a spiritual death in order to bring forth a new and better path. It is likely that this will be the same path I’ve been on but with a different focus, including new priorities and a lot less of the noise that seemed to be cluttering the airwaves within the spiritual plane I’ve been existing on for a very long time. This will not be my first death within this soul’s journey, however, as I have started over before with wild and fulfilling success. But nothing lasts forever.

I am not an overly religious. I find the state of organized religion in the world to be scary at best. Religion is used so often as a weapon and a tool for power. It is, in many cases, about anger, control and big business. It is about money and war and politics. This is not what I consider the inspired roadway to the best person I can be. It is, however, very important to others… and although I do not recommend it to those like me I would not condemn it to those who use it sincerely as I see myself with a spiritual path.

When I grew up I connected prayer to religion, thus the paragraph above… a disclaimer of sorts. I don’t want to be a religious man but there seems to be something about prayer that I have found to be intriguing and fruitful. It is a form of communication. I speak and something listens. It isn’t important to identify that something because the point for me is in the communication. That’s my turn, where meditation and even to some extent some yoga is about stopping and listening.

So why am I talking about prayer in an entry about shifting priority? I’ll get to that. Be patient.

For months of my life now I have not been the person I want to be. Even those who strive to spirituality and change in their lives are susceptible to a back-pedaling of self will. I am a man of solutions but I have been looking only at the problems and fears. It is not something that is necessarily a conscious decision and is often a product of environment and stress. But the problem is real. I am missing a lot of the joy that I feel we are all entitled to because I am focusing on the things I see as what should be. Self will runs riot.

The result of this has been an ongoing slip into mini-depressions and countless escape clauses and plans that take form in many different ways that will essentially end up being unhealthy. Awareness and good people in my life has resulted in a regrouping and a recharging of the spiritual battery. I have been to this place before and I do not fault myself for being here again. I am human and this is part of the experience. Each experience is a chance to grow and learn about how to better be the person that I am already inside…. throughout my day. The result, down the road, is the re-emergence of joy and peace in my mind. I have missed it and making the decisions that I have has already returned it.

The prayer (or prayers) will help remind me that this is a process. I am in need of help whether outwardly or within. The only important point I need to remember is to shift the priority and seek or accept that help. With it I am stronger and with strength I am more likely to stop feeling the pieces of helplessness, anger, frustration and fear that expectations and self will provide me. They are guaranteed… take a look around.

In the St. Francis prayer there is a line at the end that says “… and it is in dying that we are born into eternal life…” this is not about “dying” as much as it is about surrender. The death of something to accept the birth of something else. I am accepting the death of something within me in order to allow for the fresh start of something more powerful and fulfilling. It doesn’t matter if I’ve done this before. It doesn’t matter if I do not succeed immediately. The results are not mine to decide… that is one of the biggest points behind letting go of self-will.

The most important thing that I can note out of this is that my life will change. Change is what I have been craving. I have been trying to create the change and the answer for the change has been letting go of the result. I am done and I am ready. Bring it on.

Be Happy. Be Well. Be.

Every picture tells a story, don’t it?

About a year ago I saw something that announced applications to be on national reality show that highlights the “goings on” at a Los Angeles tattoo parlor that just so happens to be right up the street from where I live. I figured I had nothing to lose so I decided I’d give myself a plug with a story and a tattoo idea. The idea centered around my celebrating a milestone birthday with a new design on my leg.

One year later I heard from the show. Tomorrow afternoon I will “audition” in front of a camera and see if I am someone that see fitting into the scheme of their reality show. If I am I will make my television series reality debut on “LA Ink”.

If I do not, however, it will be nothing more than the spark that I might have needed anyway to get myself back in a parlor and tell another story with art on my canvas. Each piece of incredible work that has been done previously (by the amazing Kevin Quinn here in Los Angeles) has a meaning to me. There is the story of who I am (The Earth Dog in Chinese astrology represented by earth tones and a Chinese Foo dog), the representation of my sobriety and rebirth (the Phoenix rising from the flames), a story of loss in an eternal Japanese flame, a symbol of Pisces (my birth sign), the Chinese lettering for my name, The chinese symbol for the word YES, and a gorgeous grouping of roses as a representation of my last name.

Where do we go from here? There are two distinct ideas that I am toying with… three if you count something that I cannot truly find the right representation of. First and foremost is the idea of a tree of wisdom. Not just any tree, however. This tree should be different and tell the story of what maturity and some years under the belt could represent… but also speak to the temptations that the original tree represented. The other idea revolves around the calming Yin/yang symbol and the demons (or dangers) that we mere mortals can face as a symbol of ‘threat’ to our inner peace and spirituality.

I’ll know when I get there tomorrow which direction I am going in. But whatever it is I am sure it will be a solid and clear decision based on the moment and the culmination of some careful thought and the knowledge that I am wise enough to remember that this is art that will be on my body palate for the rest of my living years in this shell.

It is exciting to revisit this part of my life. Whatever the day and its result I am very pleased to be in this frame of mind.

Be Happy. Be Well. Be.

Some days it feels like Sunset Boulevard.

There are people in the world that do not embrace change. It is a challenge and a roadblock to a pattern that provides comfort and shelter. I am not one of these people, as much as it seems some may think.

… and I’m fine with that because I can only continue to do my best out there in the world and within myself. But there lies the rub… because there is a world out there that is not always going to understand, see, or even care that this is the case. I get that, and again because I have learned that others reactions to me is more about themselves, I accept.

The fact remains that we are given pivotal signs in our paths that provide us with the clues, information or outright knock over the head that there is something that can or should be done. With most, that does not mean the sign will be heeded. For many it will not even be seen. For weeks now I have seen things that have been screaming at levels that are hard to ignore. I examine, I consider and I wonder and weigh the possibility of such signs. What do they mean? What could they mean? What do I want them to be about?

Some would tell you that the first thought is the correct one. The trick is to know what that first thought was before the mind over-analyzes everything that follows. Fortunately I am well aware of what my instincts are saying and it is strangely becoming more realistic and less scary to consider the leap that should and will be made.

I love change. I have shifted my very existence on at least five different parts of my life. I have altered my life to the point of referring to myself in past tense… as if two separate human beings were being discussed. I have altered jobs by firing myself and trusting the experience would guide me towards a different and more enlightening chapter (which has always been the case.) I have moved in complete sweeps of all that I know. I have experienced deaths that have shifted my very core as a living soul on a planet that will never fully give you what you expect.

One of those shifts is upon me. I am not complete with the decision of timing … or if the decision will be mine at all. But it is in my sights. I have seen the signs and have read them correctly. I am excited. Because although some may not see it… I love change because it keeps me on my toes.

Bring it on. I’m ready. I am not sure that I could be any more ready.

Be Happy. Be Well. Be.

The sound of letting go of the results.

Fear is incapacitating. It drives the car. It makes the decisions. It chooses the fates. It is so very easy for me to know how things are going to turn out because of experiences I have already had. If it happened before it is bound to happen again, right? History repeats? What’s the point of doing something if I know how it is going to turn out and Buddha knows it is not going to turn out well.

Does anybody know how hard that is on an intelligent thinker? It’s mind-boggling that I am able to put thoughts together rationally or complete sentences on some days much less work through the myriad of problems, jobs, challenges, fire-drills and flash floods that the world tends to gift me with. Tied up in a bow none the less…. handed to me with a smile and a knowing malevolence. Give it to Mikey, he’ll eat it.

But then… isn’t that what life is all about? Working our way through the maze? Some days I can navigate that puppy without a hitch. Left then right, then right and right again, left and back, up around the corner and WHAM… I have found my way through and to the other side of all the many things that I am here to accomplish.

Other days I am lost. I carry the shovel and find myself unconsciously digging until there is a hole that I am looking up from dazed and confused as to how the hell I got there in the first place. Funny thing about those holes, however. Look carefully. In every hole that I have ever gotten myself into there was a means to pull myself up. A ladder, some steps, a rope…. a means of obvious and easy escape from a trap that I have undoubtedly built for myself.

So… one might ask… why continue to dig the holes? Hell if I know. I suppose that is why I write these blogs… here is where I find my answers (outside of my journals where I can write about you without you knowing.) It is a known fact that we mere humans can talk ourselves into things and just as easily talk ourselves out of them. I do my schizophrenia much better in written form.

I am a very well adjusted man. I am a thinker. I am smart and I am aware. My human side is built on emotion and experience. I have had many of each. I live in my world sympathizing and empathizing. I abhor injustice but I cannot find myself too embroiled in the anger that is necessary for that side of the human spirit. Perhaps that will be my next glorious step on the path. I do know that when I find myself in fear in places that I have been in fear before there is a reason. It means that I am creating it and it may be time to move myself to different pastures… stop in the path and take that right or left into a new avenue.

Change.

But, then I ask myself. If I change… what will happen to this. Where will that be? How will I be able to that? Who is going to…? So I stop and I decide, instead, that I will plot out the path step by step and decide what the answers will be… even if I am not all that happy with what they may be. Sound familiar? Fear: False evidence appearing real. It stops me from growing and changing. It stunts my moments and stalls my happiness. It isn’t something I would suggest and it is something that we all experience whether we want to admit it or not. Can I stop it? I wouldn’t dream of it. Some of the fear I have experienced has provided me with the most cathartic and amazing breakthroughs in my life.

Right now I am about due for another one.

But fear isn’t how I will get there. Letting GO of the fear is. I am tired of many things to the point of fearing they will not end. By fearing this I am holding on to the results because I am trying desperately to figure out the way that I can manipulate and push them into the model of clay that I see fit for what I would “presume” my best answer.

Historically the best results come from heaving the heavy sigh…. and letting go of the results. Let the chips fall where they may. I walk through my day with the best intention and the promise to be and do my best. The results will happen but they will not be mine to choose. But the process is illuminating and free of the fear that causes the problems in the first place. The brush is already clearing on the path. Somewhere up ahead I will see the turn. I am packed and ready to go… I travel light. Breathing… breathing… sighhhhhhh…

Be Happy. Be Well. Be.

Better words to live by were never written.

Every year or so I remind myself and anyone within earshot (or blogshot?) of the book that always brings me back to the basics that define a recipe for the best me possible. It is a simple tome…. a basic text… and an easy read.

Written by Don Miguel Ruiz and published for the first time in 1997, it is a book about how to live. It is a book with four basic “rules” for living. It is a book I have read no less than 20 times, have on my ipod and have purchased no less than 35 copies to give to people in my life. It is a message and I “spread” it because it means something to me, as do those I am handing it to. Whether they read it or not is not my business… but the message is there if and when they should ever decide to take a look.

Out of respect to the law and copyright I will not reprint any more than what the agreements are. But once they are within your consciousness you will understand that there is power to living with this sort of logic.

Be Impeccable With Your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of our word in the direction of truth and love.

Don’t Take Anything Personally: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. when you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

Don’t Make Assumptions: Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Always Do Your Best: Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

There now. I am reminded. I am rejuvenated. I am re-aligned. This is the shot of medicine that always shows me the proper path. That is the path that I both deserve and desire to be upon. When I am on it I see clearly and the road ahead is clear.

Thank you, Don Miguel…. once again.

Be Happy. Be Well. Be.

The fact is and should only be that I know who I am and I am proud of him.

This boils down to perception and a reminder that I cannot control most things in my life (outside of choice.) People love to suggest what you should be doing and how things should be. For the most part these suggestions are honest and sincere. They are welcomed and since I would never claim perfection, sometimes necessary. But they are not the definition of my character. They are not an illustration of who I am. They are often snapshots in a very large and often crowded collage filled with pieces that build a whole. I rather doubt that anyone can claim perfection (and we all know all who do are usually a bit oblivious to reality anyway.)

In knowing who I am I must always look for ways that I can improve. Change is a luxury and a willingness that will provide a bigger and better palate to help further define my life canvas. If my world were a mural it would be a very diverse and interesting one. I have been through many things… some that I considered deal breakers, some that have made me aware of a spiritual guidance. Everything blends from one scene to the next… many things showing up in different forms and colors throughout the ongoing work of art. It is all very colorful with smatterings of darkness that always presents itself with an indication of a light ahead.

What people see is not always an accurate representation. Nobody can be the same person each and every day without being disingenuous to some degree. Perhaps, however, a little bit of a “cover” is necessary from time to time. An acting job to represent yourself in some places or with certain people in order to make sure that the patterned world is kept in line. I can create characters and have done so many times throughout my life.

But sometimes it is not my character that may need to be changed.

I have worked very hard to build a life and lifestyle lined with karmic thought and sincerity in action. I am honest and I am committed to the work and relationships that I have within my daily life. In my personal life I have maintained a very gracious and admirable persona. I am honorable, and I am sought for advice, help, guidance and friendship. I am helpful and always honest (there is no reason for me to lie…) I do what is in front of me and I am helpful because I believe through life lessons that one must “give it away to keep it”. I am not acting in my personal life unless somebody hands me a script. I am what I am and that person is happy and well-adjusted. I have tried it other ways and they did not work.

I wonder sometimes if there are times in my work world that produce a behavior that I am not happy with if the change is something that should be required within or if, in fact, I should ask myself if it is not the environment where the reaction is produced? I sometimes wonder why some places do not examine the stresses of a workplace and provide some form of training or sensitivity program to acknowledge what could be dealt with in different ways. For some it may be easier to look to the employee as the issue but, in fact, it may be important to recognize the situation as well. I do not and will not absolve myself from any behavior I produce. I do not point fingers nor do I wish to do anything but walk through any piece of my being that is not working 100% to my liking. One must walk through to resolve, any sidestepping would only result in the issue reappearing in other ways or places. But if I am to be the soul reason for something that must be recognized I am forced to ask myself if I am better off finding a situation that would not produce the stresses in the first place… or should I say “abundance” of stresses.

In July I am examining my future. I know who I am and there is nothing to be ashamed of. Every person is different. Every person handles life (and stress) differently. But there is no reason I should be defined by mistakes. I am not willing to be afraid of them or to feel that is what people will see in me. If it is, that would be a perception I have no control over… but it would also be an incorrect one. To try and avoid mistakes is like walking on a landmine. If I had avoided the mistakes of my past I would not have become the person I am today.

I suppose the difference today is in learning that I am not willing to allow others to define my character. It is a rising in personal strength and a reminder that I am a hell of a lot better and stronger than I have given myself credit for in the past. I know who I am, I know my motives and intentions. I am absolutely comfortable with it all.

Be Happy. Be Well. Be.

Another entry where the word perspective could fit rather well.

It is always sad when the world loses major talent. It is magnified by the exposure of their art and lives in endless cycles on airwaves, internet and in some cases radio. I am always reflective when talent passes on. It is a reminder of the fleeting nature of our stay on the planet… but it is also sometimes a walk down your own memory lane.

In truth I have never been a huge Michael Jackson fan. I will not deny that there has been music in his library of many hits that I have enjoyed over the years… but for the most part I lean in other directions and found the artist himself a bit too eccentric for adulation.

But then there is the landscape of a lifetime. I am the same age as Michael and I grew up with him all around me. He is a part of who I am because he is a part of all of us. I cannot and will not deny the feeling of shock and loss today. It is surreal and it is sobering. It is a reminder of the frail nature of human beings and the sense of how little we really know about others, especially those who we learn all about through the media.

What strikes me as most revealing is the knowing that this man was (and will remain) world famous as an artist. There was money, riches… and a legacy of loneliness and naivete. The eccentricities and the troubles of his later life will always be a part of what we know Michael Jackson to be, but in the end it will always be the music that defines him.

But as I watched the endless barrage of clips and tributes today I could not help but to feel the eerie chill whenever the years that marked his life were on the screen. 1958-2009. That is my year of birth. It just felt surreal.

To those who mourn I join you. It is never anything but sad to see this sort of shift in the culture happen. To both Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett’s families I send my sincere condolences. The world has lost.

For those of us who remain….

Be Happy. Be Well. Be.

What I have learned is that knowing change is coming and waiting to find out what it is can suck.

I actually embrace change. I have lived through so much of it in my life. I challenge myself to adapt and grow through changes and I look for them rather regularly throughout the canvas of all that I do.

Naturally, change is constant. I don’t believe there is a day that I do not experience something or things that will change. Something is different, someone is gone, I have seen something in a new light… it’s all change. Some of these things will disappoint, of course… but for the most part I am absolutely sure that the moment of recognition is most often the pinnacle of the reaction.

From the simplest of things, such as starting a new software experience or taking a new route while driving, to the most complex such as suffering a major loss, changing a job or moving to a new residence, change defines who we are each step of the way. I have known some drastic shifts not only in perspective but in reality throughout my years and what I have learned is that they all shape me, help me grow and challenge me to add layers of knowledge and strength to my mind and personality.

I am enriched by the changes and I am always exciting for the possibility.

What I discovered (or perhaps RE-discovered) recently is that knowing that change is coming but not having any idea what it truly means is what gives me the anxiety. There is a part of me that feels like I am in a stranglehold while wondering what the outcome is going to be.

Once the picture is revealed I am fine. The change could appear daunting… it could be a bit scary or it might even feel unacceptable…. but even when it is not desired there is the choices we can make for an alternate outcome that would still provide us with change after all. It doesn’t take long before the changes that seemed so big are common place and making room for the changes that will arrive and become a part of the next phases down the road.

I have been looking for changes in my life. I am starting to see how some could potentially play out. They are not scaring me… they are not disappointing me… they are not honestly phasing me. It’s all in a days life experience. How will they continue to play out? Lots of time will tell. Will they play out as they seem to be in front of me today? Perhaps. I might be intuitive but I am not psychic.

Whatever they are I will handle them and continue the life education.

Be Happy. Be Well. Be.

Or I could easily subtitle the entry: “Be careful to what you listen to (especially when its in your own head?)”

I love the moments when I stop, breath, smile and remember that there is always another way to look at literally anything in the world. Granted it is not always easy to grasp the nature of an alternate view, but it is ALWAYS an option. We always have the choice to change a thought, a habit, a response or the very direction we are taking within our lives.

Perception is not always about drastic change in thought or action, however… but spiritually it could make all the difference in the world regarding the way we feel about ourselves and the moment by moment existence we are experiencing.

How I look at or perceive a situation, be it the way something has been said, done (or not done), or a piece of my reality which claims priority within my very busy and active mind…it is not always what it seems. That isn’t to say that I am always wrong… simply that I may not always be right and a review is in order. The lesson is in where I put the full importance and how I hinge that upon the state of my entire being.

The last statement was written with slight dramatic flair on purpose. It is in many cases a point in contention for the way I will pour priority into active thought and allow something that is simply not as important in the grand scheme to become the reigning purpose for being.

One of the things that has been a confusion in my years has been a highly intuitive sense. I know when something is happening… or when things are about to happen or change. This is a gift that is often mishandled and mislabeled. Intuitive nature is not necessarily a psychic sensibility. I do not predict the future by any means (although there was that dream the night before Elvis Presley died…) Intuition means ONLY that I sense a difference. Being that I am also sober as a judge (I ask myself sometimes if a drink or a joint every now and again may not actually be key ingredients that will stop the constant wheel turning. Could it really be that bad??) I am highly AWARE of these shifts in “perception” within people and environments around me. When I do I then do what a sober, creative writing, emotionally responsive Piscean will do: I create scenarios without even knowing that the process has begun.

That should be a master plan for a magnificent series of short stories, a twisting-turning screenplay or a novel with options for a series.

Instead what it can become is a series of answers built on fears of past failures that undermine logic and common sense. Now where this paints the picture of an unstable lunatic I would hardly fit that description. Instead I give you a real live, honest and loyal human being dead set on making sure that the path in front of him is the best possible one created.

And this is where the perception becomes important. I crave communication. It was never highly available to me in earlier more shut off years. When I am craving communication it is usually to combat creating answers to questions myself. Asking questions is an amazing gift. Seeking answers is the sign of a person who wants to learn and better themselves. I am that person and I am proud that I seek. But the important thing I must remember is to look at and weigh the options of the answers that are around me… whether created, spun, gossiped or hard-to-handle realities. Whatever I do, see, hear or feel is multi-faceted and amazing. One common response or reaction, whether verbal or held within is only that. To stop and remember that it is all different in the eyes of others, and in turn, my own eyes. Everything can be viewed in positives, negatives and everywhere in between. All of this is part of the mystery of my own intuitive nature.

I am not afraid of change. So I must repeatedly ask myself what I am actually afraid of. The answer for this intuitive is the unknown. Tell me what the change is and I will digest and regroup. Leave me to just know it is out there and I will seek the answers. It is who I am and if I don’t accept it I will hold myself in contempt and assume myself less of a human being than others I am around. Simply not so.

My perception is that even in moments that may not appeal to others… I am strong in recognition of the process. I think my way into things… and think my way out. I strive and succeed in everything I do. I do that because I can. I do this because perception of the result is positive.

And I remember as a good friend told me today. No matter what SEEMS to be “wrong” or out of place in a moment. No matter what it is that might cause me fear or dis-comfort. I am afforded all of these feelings as a human being LIVING. In my life there have been many around me who would love to be in these shoes today.

Be Happy. Be Well. Be

Why not? I have it tattooed on my arm.

I know, I know… it sounds corny. I’m a new-ager spouting off some mumbo jumbo about spirituality and feeling GOOD about who you are. Some of you are probably moving on to the next blog that is complaining about the way the government is ruining our lives, right?

That’s fine. I will do that sometimes myself, because I feel that there is a good part of us as human beings that loves to yell “NO” and sometimes even “HELL NO” at the things we read, hear and see in the news, our work lives and our relationships. It’s the planet Earth. It’s reality. Things aren’t always pretty. Life can be a trial and tribulation… a frustration or a downright anxiety attack.

Flip the switch. Change the channel. Better yet… turn it off.

I have been in a place that would be described easiest as a combination of every negative that i poured through in the “HELL NO” paragraph. We mere humans plug ourselves into our everyday lives and don’t know when we’ve hit that magic line of overwhelm. It happens and then it starts to feel strangely comfortable or familiar. Grumbling at a driver who is going too slow. Feeling the perception of being slighted and taken for granted by people in professional and personal situations (key word: perception). Over-tired, over-worked, just over. This is not what creates a “bad” person. Deep down inside we are just a little lost of the more meaningful path.

Ok. Not everyone. Some people are busy paving that nasty path. That is not my choice.

For the most part the people I know in my life and have run across in all different walks are very much like me. We are looking for a bit of peace and happiness. A deep breath and a good group of relationships and experiences. In my dream of dreams I am going to be able to live out the rest of my years traveling and working passionately with whatever it is in front of me. I want to work… but I must believe in what I am doing. Some days I fear that I am losing a bit of my passion… this could be attributed to a haphazard straying from what is important, an over-sensitive nature or an over-active imagination. Perhaps all of the above.

But then there is the side of me that cannot forget the opportunities I have been afforded…. the lessons I have learned and the many habits I have been able to change and improve as a result of the various workplaces and the structure and meaning that has been provided me over the years. I am proud and I am gracious. I am not an ego that will look down upon a huge piece of my life that has turned me into a person I actually rather like.

Flip the switch. Change the channel. Better yet… turn it off.

I want to look at the world in front of me, wherever it is that I may be and say “YES”. I must honor the tattoo. I must honor the positive energy that surrounds me and humble myself where I might be tempted to bite. It will bring me more positive energy in return and, quite frankly, I am tired of feeling that things will never change.

Of course they will. The question is HOW I want them to change. Personally I would opt for the better… and therefore I repeat: “YES” to the universe.

This does not necessitate my becoming a doormat or a yes-man. It is not necessary to be a person that allows the world to take advantage. The more YES I put out there the more I will receive back. The more YES I put out there the less any NO will effect me personally… or the less I will allow it to. I have noticed in my life that a habit is easily born in negative thinking. Doubt is contagious. If I believe for a moment that there is a negative result ahead… even if that is not proven or reliable, it will likely happen. We can create our own results. I have done this for most of my blessed years and sometimes forget. So why not create something more attractive and enjoyable?

Turn it on. Give it a shot. Report back to me here. I’ll say “Yes” to you too.

Be Happy. Be Well. Be.