WHAT IF I TOLD YOU…

But alas, I am an over-thinker. I am the sort that analyzes and then analyzes the analyzation. I think and then I take notes. I worry and I obsess. Is this depression or just another seasonal rut?

What if I told you that I have no freaking idea.

Here are some clues:

I have been in a job that gets busier with each passing month for almost 12 years. One would think that there would be a line that is drawn and growth that would allow for a little bit LESS work. That is not my experience.

I have lived in the same place for 15 years and I wonder sometimes if I am not seizing opportunity or growth by changing environments.

I am prone to odd and random jags of tears. I cry in the movies. I cry when I see London. I cry when I realize that I am 50 and absolutely incapable of a relationship. I cry because I feel like I have dug myself a hole. I love where I am and I am indeed very fortunate… but it is a hole that I want to climb out of.

Be careful what you wish for.

The truth is that my life IS fortunate. I make a good deal of money that a single man can actually spend on items and trips that a family man would have to avoid. I am healthy. I am well-liked and revered in the work place. By the look of it all I am in pretty good shape.

Since the days of relationship lost I have learned how to live splendidly and happily as a single man. So much so that I have built one of the mightiest and most “secure” walls around my being that there doesn’t appear to be any chance that I will ever fully allow a relationship in again. Friends are no issue. I love my friends. I can look at them, be with them and go out with them when I want and leave them be when I choose to be on my own.

That doesn’t work in relationships.

The truth is that I have no patience for dating. I am skeptical of those who require relationships and distrustful of those who do not. I meet people and quietly assume there is something wrong with them if they don’t like me and something severely off-center if they do. My history since my longest relationship is of men who have more baggage than humanly necessary. I have been relieved and thrilled upon finding my singledom once I left all of these relationships. What does that say besides I am not “choosing” for the right reasons or not looking in the right places.

The fact is I am not looking. If I have a tarot card reading and they begin to talk about relationships I tune out. I am convinced that I am not going to be in a relationship again. I am not looking. But that doesn’t stop the soul from wondering why it is of that ilk. Why did my life turn out as a solitary one?

So I assume that it is best for someone who loves and wants to travel as much as I do. But I am not traveling… I am working. All the time.

So… I am feeling the rut and the depression that I speak to. But I am ULTRA aware that I am not going to change something because of emotions or feelings. That isn’t wise. I will examine, write, research, and live patiently with awareness and see where this path is to take me next.

President Obama.

With this change in our country I see a future. I see an enormous opportunity for the world to look at us as they have looked at us in the past. I am filled with pride and I am going to bed pleased that so many are in agreement.

I go to sleep tonight pleased… and continue to be hopeful that the right for gays and lesbians to marry in the state of California is not taken away. This proposition is not yet fully counted.

Politics in these next couple of weeks will become a wilder ride than we’ve had for years. It has been, up until this point, pretty shameful and rather scary to hear the accusations and smear tactics heaped on top of an already fragile base of reality in the housing and stock market. Our country is in a recession and the word “depression” has been bandied about as if an inevitability.

I don’t share that theory.

With a McCain / Palin ticket pushing buttons that are aimed solely at voters who do no research and need to be directed we are now experiencing the continuation of a Bush scare mongering by what is becoming known as the “lunatic fringe”. Obama is a terrorist. Obama pals around with terrorists. Obama is a muslim.

And my personal favorite being flung from one of the most amateurish representatives on record comes from Republican Michele Bachmann of Minnesota. This politician alleges that lawmakers (Obama) should be investigated for “un-American activity” She states: “The news media should do a penetrating expose and take a look — I wish they would — I wish the American media would take a great look at the views of the people in Congress and find out: Are they pro America or anti America? I think people would love to see an expose like that.”

Joseph McCarthy would be proud.

In an interview with Chris Matthews on Hardball Ms. Bachmann tripped endlessly over her words as she repeated the scripted lines that the deeply desperate Republican party is reading in increasing amounts. Say it enough and it becomes true? The problem is that everything they look for answers on have been answered. It isn’t enough and they repeat the accusations because they know that it will generate negativity amongst the simple minds of the nation who live in fear.

And FEAR is a Republican tactic as we all well know. Let us not forget the mantra over Iraq. You are either with us or against us.

The nation cannot be this stupid. We cannot slip back into the witch hunt of allegations that suppress real AMERICAN change out of 8 of the worst years in our history. Can we allow this lunatic fringe to steal another election based on lies in order to keep religion and its zealots within the grasp of government? This is a dangerous line being drawn and I can only hope that the bulk of this nation is smart enough to read and understand what these loons are instead of parroting their rhetoric destroying the careers of good politicians (which I know sounds like an oxymoron… but… still.)

Personally I feel that Michele Bachmann should be censured. I uphold the right to all Americans to be and believe as they wish but I find it dangerous to see lies and smears being spread as they are amongst the Republican party.

Help us to stop this. VOTE. RALLY. FIGHT. TALK. This is our country. I may not think or believe the same way as Michele Bachmann or Sarah Palin, but that does not mean I am any less a PRO American than they are.

There was a time when Monday was a bit of a catch up day. Hell…. I used to have jobs that had lulls where projects would naturally finish and allow you to breath. Where I am today is a non-stop barrage of events and ideas that collide with bullet points and budgets and end up twisted into strategy sessions and after hour attempts to make sure that all the little bits don’t get buried in one of those aforementioned piles.

But… believe it or not… I am not complaining. I actually like the constant nature of the work I do. It is never dull. It is, however, a bit exhausting at times and I am experiencing one of THOSE days as I write.

I couldn’t even really be sure if I have truly completed the day… there are so many things sifting through the old brain at the moment as I prepare myself to meet a friend out for dinner at BLD on Beverly. In the olden days I would have a cocktail and let the work day disappear…

… but then in the OLD days I worked in bars.

For years I have written in journals. I found the sobriety that I currently live in on May 23, 1991 and committed to myself that I would write in a journal daily to maintain a constant therapy and exercise for the strength of my soul and spirit. Being somewhat of an obsessive / compulsive personality I have actually maintained that commitment daily for nearly 17-1/2 years. Today marks 6352 passages in 91 notebooks.

Unfortunately the online blogging tappered off for me in September of 2004. It was just too much on top of the journaling and the enormous amount of work that I was doing with a website at my place of employment. I stopped. I didn’t look back.

Until today.

What will follow, I hope is an insightful and entertaining look into my head several years later. I want to speak to the things that are pertinent to me, current events, life in general and the ups and downs of a crazy world. In my passages I hope to maintain a focus of solutions over the problems as this has been a successful theme in all of my writing over the years. Speaking only of the problems takes the energy out of doing anything but living within them. I am not going to pretend that there are no problems… and I am certainly not going to write without addressing them (how dull would that be?) But I will take what I write about and flip it on its side in order to make sure that I am balanced and looking towards the best way to change whatever negative is within or around me. It has been a great means of growth and development in the past and I suspect the practice will do me nothing but good for the future.

So here we go. I will do myself the favor of NOT committing to writing daily in this blog. I don’t want to make myself crazy. I will visit when the topics arise. I will keep upon my theme of “What if I Told You…” and work into a main topic in each visit. Hopefully this will be a success. Hopefully it will be a tool for me. Hopefully it will be enjoyed.

Over time I hope to hear from those who are reading and pull in comments. Join me in a new and “upgraded” blogging adventure.