…That performing both exhilarates and scares me?
Granted it isn’t as though I am doing a one-man show at the Hollywood Bowl…
Tomorrow I am going to do my second stint as the co-anchor for the a news program for our division at work. It is a slightly campy, quirky and simple turn as an anchor with a lovely young lady named Denise. Truth be told it is easy and quite fun.
It also scares me to death until the camera is on.
All my life I have been a ham… mostly when I was drinking, but I’ve completely come out of my shell since then as well. I loved being out in front. I craved attention and I would “perform” appropriately (and perhaps sometimes NOT appropriately) to achieve this goal.
For me the art of performance is a love / hate proposition. I love the IDEA of being in front of the masses. I like the attention that it could provide (key word is could). I am fond of the idea of being a “star” … but I am and always have been my own worst critic.
When I watch myself on film I am usually not very pleased. I hold myself to a higher standard than I would anyone else. I have my own stilted idea of perfection and the person I believe myself to be will never be within that idea. But with the growth of my ability to love myself (whether in front of others or on my own) has come the acceptance of the ideas of success and doing the very best that I can. This isn’t about Academy Awards and accolades. In the end it is merely about self-expression and the building of confidence in doing the things that I have always wanted to do.
When I went to the first filming for this new newscaster “role” that I have undertaken I was a bundle of nerves. All I could think about was the idea of being awful and doing so in front of a camera. It isn’t bad enough that one can be or look foolish but to do so where everyone can see again and again… is not necessarily the smartest career move ever made.
Oddly enough when I reached the studio in April I found myself amongst friends and in a very comfortable environment. It was painless and one of the easiest “jobs” I could ever ask to do. Every single fear that I had felt on the way over melted within moments and in no time at all I was finished and craving more.
Tomorrow I will do it again. I have read through my lines and most of them, as silly as they seem, are going to be easy to deliver. I feel as I write this today that I am not at all afraid of the shoot…. but at the same time I am positive that I will feel the familiar butterflies on my way over there.
The most important part about anything that exhilarates and scares is to walk right through it. Do it. Finish it. Experience it. Enjoy it. Come out on the other side and know that you have done what felt so difficult to move towards. All I know is that I watched myself after the first time and I was proud. I had done something that I enjoyed and didn’t feel the fool.
I’ll take that any day.
Be Happy. Be Well. Be.
June 26th, 2009 at 11:18 am
Ok granted the script as you mentioned was a little “cheesy” but in house stuff often is…you are way too hard on yourself…unlike your partner the lovely Denise you come off as knowledgeable and comfortable in front of the camera..I notice that you both look at the camera instead of engaging each other but that is a common thing…I loved knowing what is going on at Sony with two personable people..and just for the record you look great on camera…you sound even better…I thought it was fun and you both look like you are having fun doing it…keep up the good work…