…That I crave change like a drug?
Sometimes it would be nice to just stop the thinking.
When I think of the way that I used to be able to shut things off I will always wish that I didn’t have that tendency to overdo… alas.
It is not abnormal for me to want to shift things in my life when I begin to feel that I am stuck or “trapped” in situations. It is hardly surprising that I am seeing this happen again in my world. It is not detrimental. It is not dangerous. It is raising my consciousness to levels I have not seen in a long time and that is where I feel the craving in every single fiber of my being.
So what do I want to change?
It could be as simple as my attitude. I have been unhappy with this cyclical nature within all the different parts of my world. Many would love the routine and good fortune that I actually do have. It is not in my best interest to complain that I am unhappy or unsatisfied, nor would it really be true. It is also not in my best interest to pretend that I am not feeling the way I am. It would then be my “secret” and I know from my own experience that secrets will be the road to personal destruction. Sharing them, on the other hand will allow me a pathway towards solution.
I am all about solution. I am also, however, aware that it takes a lot of willingness and discomfort to recognize and work for that solution.
So what are the changes I am craving? Let’s see… I have lived in the same place for over 15 years. I have worked in the same place for over 12. Neither of these things is a bad experience for me. My home, for instance, is my haven. I love it. I love the location. I love the conveniences. I am comfortable and I am grateful. But some days I wonder if I shouldn’t move my ass across the country to NYC or across the pond to London. Why? Because I believe that I am “settling” at times. I believe that I am not allowing myself proper growth or challenge because I am afraid that leaving comfort and familiarity would be a “dangerous” move.
Fear sucks.
Then there is the job. I do it well. I am well liked. It pays for my trips, my life and my home. But I am tired. I work too much and have become a primary problem solver. Whereas there is a part of me that loves that I am known to solve the problems… it becomes a niche that is very hard to grow from. This is what my sponsor would call a luxury problem. I am aware that the complaint is of a higher caliber. To be needed, respected and reliable is nothing to sneeze at. It certainly isn’t something a person such as myself should sneeze at. Where I have come from it is nothing short of astonishing. But I am also a man who has re-invented himself many times in this short span of time here on planet Earth. I suppose what I feel from time to time is nothing more than a “seven year itch” and a desire to continue testing waters and seeing what else I am going to be able to do in the world. I am nowhere near finished.
The fact is that my identity currently feels too wrapped up in this job. This is mostly my own fault. I am obsessive / compulsive and committed to fully whatever it is that I do. I will do it to the best of my ability. That should be fine but there really isn’t always a good balance and, unfortunately, sufficient growth.
Do I want to leave this job? Some days I want to win the lottery, sure. Who doesn’t? In the big picture…. NO. I believe there is a lot more that I can show of myself here that will make a difference. I believe there is a lot more of me that will grow and show.
What must be remember is that change does not have to be about what surrounds us. It doesn’t mean I should leave my home or job. The truth behind any real change is that a soul such as myself must always remember that TRUE change happens from within. My attitude. My perception. My habits. My outlook.
All of these things will bring about the changes I need. For all I know the changes within will bring about significant changes all around me. This could mean that I would end up moving into a new home or find myself doing something completely different for a living. It wouldn’t be the first time that has happened. I have re-invented myself several times in the past…. each time quite successfully. Each time better than the last.
I crave the changes like a drug. With this entry I do vow I will have them. What they will look like will be spoken to here in this blog. Stick with me… let’s see what the world offers next.
Be Happy. Be Well. Be.
August 30th, 2009 at 7:17 pm
I thought I wasnt going to like this blog but more I read the more I liked it.