…That I am just a human being?
Sometimes I think that people aren’t aware of this.
But that isn’t a complaint. I actually don’t mind being a bit other-worldly from time to time. I like to provide an air of mystery and a spark for conversation. They do say that it’s worse when people stop talking about you…
I have always wondered who “they” actually are.
The thing about mystery is that it isn’t always intentional. I am a thinker… I find myself in constant analysis of the world around me. I generate theories and either reconstruct them endlessly or go up against the wall until I am bloodied. Many of the wisest people in my life have wonderful, practical and simple advice to deal with the fears, frustrations and idiosyncrasies of my brain. In my personal life these people are usually those I trust with experience. In other situations I have found myself with people who have answers that they formulate because they think they sound good, but they are actually quite transparent and don’t even realize themselves that they sound like someone who doesn’t have the answer… and in actuality are masters at avoiding a problem (as though by doing so it would go away).
I understand that these people are not trying to harm me. They are trying to fit their own roles and are more than likely either in over their head or convinced that they do have an answer (possibly because others who are good with avoidance tendancies are telling them how good they are?)
But that is the point of being human… or at least one of them. I have no more control of the path that I am destined for than I do what people are going to say to me. I am an actor. I know how to be in the appropriate places to be them. I am not false… I don’t lie and create a personality that isn’t really who I am… because having done this for many of my younger years I am well aware that this is not an answer for a happy and fulfilling existence.
Where I am an what I am doing is not perfect. There are days that I am not convinced that I should continue with aspects of my current world. I do have choices and I do have options. Some of them can be instant and others should require some thought, investigation and patience. Some days I am good at making sure that I am reacting to the world around me as it is required. Other days… not so much.
Being human brings all of the wonderful things that life can be about. The joy, the experiences, the sensations, the lessons, the love. It also has a tendency to highlight the negatives. The sadness, fears, loneliness or doubt about any number of things. It is downright ugly to be human from time to time… but in seeing and experiencing this ugliness I am forced to learn about the reasons and examine the answers that the lessons are providing.
I thought I would have my life figured out at some point. That would be an expectation. I have definitely figured out that expectations are never good for the over-thinker. But it IS human nature to set goals or to “expect” that some things will be some ways and others will be better. I want to find myself and understand the things that really motivate me…. even if that means that I am going to trudge the road and learn, relearn and carve out the answers with the process of elimination that mistakes will offer.
So basically being human means having to read and write blog entries like this as many times as it takes to remember that there are more things to be grateful for around me than the fearful or resentful things that I conjure up without a whole lot of effort…. that is part of this human.
The path is interesting today. Things are changing, I am changing. But it is all exciting and I look forward to writing about it all.
Be Happy. Be Well. Be.