…That I want to direct?
Hey wait… is that code for a control freak?
The question is whether or not I am already directing. How much control do I actually have on my own life… and destiny? How wise would it be for me to make snap judgments and decisions that would pull me into a new chapter? Sometimes taking the leap of faith can be a very advantageous, courageous and genuine way to pull the adventure back into one’s life. Sometimes it can set back and provide a lesson that hopefully will provide a new and better perspective to the world around us. Both ways it tends to pull me out of a simple existence and back into the challenge of rising to become a better soul in a difficult world.
To do this I must remember the bottom line is that at all times we have the choice to do what we want the way we want to do it. I have a feeling, however, if I were to live my life with that type of abandon in choice-making, there may not be as much opportunity to walk through the things that I tend to want to make the choices about.
Being a thinker is a reward and a painstaking detriment. On a daily basis I dissect and rebuild the world around me as if to evaluate each and every thing that is in my realm for the best possible results and the worst possible motives involved. A thinker is often on the offensive and the defensive at the same time. There is the side of hope, faith and fantasy… the half-cracked smiles of wishful thinking and dreams and then there is the plotting and resentment of things that “might” happen and their consequences.
But everything has a consequence. Even if I were to choose randomly to do things that seem to be absolutely right and straightforward. Even if the choices are done with the best of intentions…. My direction isn’t always clear or adhered to. Many times it is simply up to the fates to decide how a result will reveal. Sometimes pilot error does not consider all of the variables involved in the way something will turn out. Decisions made in haste or with too much planning can often lead to the loss of instinct or intuitive guidance.
The best of direction does not always translate to the desired final result.
But I still fall back on the wise advice given me many years ago that reminded me that there were NO wrong choices / decisions… just consequences for everything we do. Are you willing to accept the consequence? Are you prepared to find yourself in similar or worse situations based off of a choice? What will you do then? Will you wish that you hadn’t made that choice or whip up that batch of lemonade from the lemons you chose to pick in the first place?
It seems that my life has been filled with these conundrums for months and months. The craving for change… the great ideas… the offers that don’t sound quite right and the ones that sound too good to be true. The need (nay ADDICTION) for the known… and the reliable. The fear of what if? All of these things and many more provide me a fodder for many a journal page as well as hours and hours of endless conjecture and tennis games between faith and fear (it can be utterly annoying and often surprising just how many sets some of these tennis games can go…)
Yes, I want to direct. I want to write the script, cast the characters, film the footage, and edit the result. I want to control my happiness and pave the path towards a meaningful existence. This is the the bottom line of the daily trudge through the muck and mire of a complicated world. For the most part I am enjoying the book, the screenplay and the many chapters that are churning out. There are days, however, that I feel that I am trying to rewrite history… but no matter how much control I give myself or see myself having… there is always the final realization that I am not truly in charge.
I may be directing… but it would seem there will always be a producer calling the ultimate shots.
My week ahead I must provoke a plot twist… a change of direction… and some clarity in the overall plot. My direction will provide the impetus for these things… but my challenge is to continually stay out of the result. (Will the choice simply be “Let It GO!”) On the days when I want to direct the most it is often very obvious that I must allow for the path to be revealed. I want to enjoy the remainder of this chapter and insure that the chapter ahead is not one of digging myself out of another hole. As much as I want the chapter to change… I must not deny or ignore the chapter I am still within.
I continue to look for “onwards and upwards”. My plan is a lot of relevance for my character and a clean, smooth and fluid transition from one scene to the next. I’ve directed enough to know I must trust myself and my intuition regarding the piece I am directing… but I must also know the story and characters well enough to pull out that winning result. I am looking forward to the job ahead.
For now: that’s a wrap.
Be Happy. Be Well. Be.