…That I am?
Sometimes it is as simple as that.
I have been working on a concentrated effort to be in my moments as they are happening. I have had a habit for much of my life to always desire something else, somewhere better or simply the end of the place that I perceive that I am in. The problem with that type of thinking is the loss of living life where I am. Here, right now.
I am a proponent of action and change. I believe that we should always be learning and growing, changing and evolving. It is not this sort of activity or motivation that I feel I should avoid. There is not one iota of growth potential that I would not connect myself to… I am driven in this lifetime to be the best that I can be and to do so by taking the individual experiences, turning them into lessons and compiling the results into the better days that I potentially have ahead.
What has happened for me in many of my years is that I have not enjoyed the individual experiences. I have not been paying attention to where I am because I am spending too much time trying to see where I would rather be. What I have learned of late is that the lessons are the journey that I really need to experience. The moments are vital to my growth. Where I am is as important as where I will be. Not to get too existential… but realistically it would not matter where I am going if all I do is look towards the future. Why? Because if the behavior were to continue how would I know if I got to that future when I am too busy looking for yet another one.
Living in the moment has never been something I understood how to do. I am a Pisces. We are dreamers, schemers and purveyors of fantasy. If I am looking towards what I always feel is a better way for me, it stands to reason that I can’t possibly ever really achieve some form of satisfaction or end result. How will I know? Is there an ultimate goal? Am I in a long race towards a finish line?
The truth is that FEAR is a factor in not being able to live in a moment. What if it is not enough? What if you don’t have what you feel you should have or aren’t in the place you feel you should be? Self-centered comparisons to the world around you will always provide you with the visual drugs that tell you what is better than what you are or have. I could have better teeth… could live in a different house, perhaps even in a different city. I could have a better job, a more rewarding relationship and God knows I could lose a few pounds and be more attractive.
All my moments have been telling me that I am not good enough and if I get to that place over there I will be better. The fact remains that I am in a wonderful place in my life. There are problems that I will find solutions for and things that I don’t quite understand… but my adventure is teaching me that the process of working THROUGH these things is the treasure of the path. Jumping to the quick fix or the new place or time to avoid or run from my moments will only insure that I am going to re-visit these moments again in a different way.
So I stop. I breathe. I just am.
Today I am.
Be Happy. Be Well. Be.
August 24th, 2010 at 8:42 pm
Once again cousin your words speak a truth that I so understand. I am you, you are me. Beautiful stuff. You help me to appreciate the NOW HERE!!!!