What I don’t always have is control over where that imagination is going… or the places it can take me.  What’s ironic is that as a normal alcoholic born and active in the world of “isms”… I am in default mode when trying to seize control of the world around me.  So why, I would wonder, is it that I seem to need to be in control when control is something that seems to always provide a path towards isolation and problems?

A conundrum indeed.

My imagination is part of my charm.  Creativity breeds beauty and strengths in my world that thrives on art, music and words.  As a Pisces I enjoy the company of make-believe, fantasy and the ability to “check out” if need be (and over the years there have been numerous ways for me to do just that.)

So where does the creative mind cross the road into dangerous territory?  When it starts to build the illusions that might be considered laced with paranoia, or simply putting together the perceived ‘reason,’ answer or solution for any of the world’s many questions (or slights.)  Mine is a complex mind.  It is actually no wonder that I drank and used drugs in earlier years…. they would shut up the over-active thinking and creation of ‘resolution’ where I was not able to find it.

Patience is not one of my stronger virtues.

So what’s my point?  It’s really pretty simple.  I have a pretty amazing life.  I work hard on a daily basis to establish a relationship and trust with a God that I only need know is stronger, more capable and better at solutions than myself…. I am proof that the world does provide better ways for people who genuinely want them and work hard towards the goals (knowing full well that there is no straight, easy path and that sometimes failure IS the solution that will lead to the better way.) If I want to maintain that better life.  If I want to look at the gifts and good fortune that my life encompasses I need only do just that.  Stop.  Breathe.  Look.  Listen.  LEARN that the world around me is mine if I want it and I am a true gift within it.

The trick?  Not trying to seize that control.  Not trying to solve every puzzle the moment it is presented to me.  Not feeling as though every single thing requires and answer, a solution or an explanation.

… and not creating all of the above, which, in turn, creates a problem what would otherwise not have existed.

Awareness is my friend.  Trust in God’s control is my solution.

Be Well.  Be Happy.  Be.

Recently it dawned on me that I have a tendency to ask for signs. That, I would expect, is somewhat normal in prayer. Part of my experience is in looking for answers and in the constant lesson about surrender and trust. The plain truth for me is that sometimes I find myself wanting life to move a bit faster than it may be. Sometimes I might have the tendency to think too much on a subject, person, thing… and find myself asking God to show me what I “should do” or to provide me a sign to point me in a direction.

Then I wait.

The human irony involved here is that although my intentions are good, my motives are still selfish. Whether consciously or subconsciously I may be asking for God’s will but in the end I am looking for mine. I have become aware that I am undoubtedly missing the very signs I have Ben asking for simply because they did not fit the picture of my desire or expectation.

How did I come by this revelation? My life (thankfully) is filled with lightbulb moments. I call them my page-turns in life’s book. Some are more significant than others but the moments are all transitional. My current awareness was offered in two layers. First came the piece of surrender in a very longstanding work drama. How many times must a certain issue be repeated before even the more insane amongst us are able to recognize the repetitive nature of the “dilemma”? Once surrendered I looked at the person presenting me the problem and proclaimed my surrender. I would no longer take an active role in it’s perpetuation. I felt the peace and trust one experiences when they have turned the result over to God.

It was then, as the problem was being presented that I noticed I was being offered a sign that I had completely ignored before. Perhaps I had not considered it because it seemed to be something that I would not want to happen, but wouldn’t that be a scenario built in my control? If I am to trust God in surrender of the results I do not want to limit myself to seeing the answers he provides me. The key is in an open mind.

Completely open.

Ask yourself if you are truly willing to receive the answer when you are seeking guidance. It is with that willingness that your own concept of surrender will change, grow and flourish. If you truly want a sign you will see it for what it is meant to be. Trust that answer and you are trusting God.

What a difference it has already made for me.

Be Happy. Be Well. Be.

As another year ends and a new one takes a shape I am filled with gratitude for the relationships I have cultivated and maintained in a year where I feel I have grown closer to the most important relationship I have ever needed.

All relationships require patience and cultivation.  Over the years I have struggled with the relationship with a power greater than myself.  For years I did not want to identify myself anywhere near what I was taught regarding “God” and the religion that he was portrayed in while I grew up.  For years after that I struggled to put what I did not identify with behind me while struggling with transitional needs for belief in something that would work well to distinguish myself from the isolation of trying to be the higher power in all areas of my life on my own.

What has transpired is a chance to grow and learn through bouts of stubborn behavior, sadness, mistakes and revelations.  A relationship with God, whatever your understanding, is one that requires the basic foundation of trust.  Without the trust there is nothing there to build.  This was something I had to learn with the relationships I cultivated on the planet.  The humans who would be my friends and my lovers., my family and the people I work with all held a key to understanding the basics of how relationships must work…. and providing me the window to a better means to creating my ultimate relationship.

It is that relationship, in turn, that provides me the chance to move back to all others and flourish further and better within them.

The wall that I have had to climb over the years has been the one regarding trust.  I may scale this for years to come.  It is possible that I will never fully climb over it and reach the other side.  It is also likely that I may find myself falling down from time to time and having to scale through territory that I have already been in before.

So be it.

The challenge is what keeps me vital.  I have surrendered my fear and given my will and my life to a God that I trust (because if the trust is not there the surrender is not whole).  I believe that the result, no matter what it may be or when it may happen is the one that I am meant to have because of this trust.  I have accepted that the relationships in my life are as they should be because I am in a trusting relationship with God and I am finding that each one of these relationships is better than they have ever been.

I am taller.  I am happier.  I am wide-eyed and optimistic.

For today this is where I am choosing to stay.

Be Well.  Be Happy.  Be.

I love solutions, peace and a happy existence as much as the next person… perhaps even a little bit more.  But it is obvious to me that no matter what I have done to improve the way that I live and think, I am usually, in some manner, creating problems in my head that don’t actually exist in the real world…

…well they didn’t exist until I created them.

I have an active imagination.  I over-think and I am analytic.  These are magnificent tools for thinking, reasoning and resolving… but can (read: does not have to) be a detriment to living life lightly.  I am under no illusion that life is always going to be an easy, breezy ride… but the fact remains that it isn’t a difficult one unless I am taking the reigns and driving the vehicle.

Solution:  Take a deep breath.  Stop.  Smile.  Evaluate.  Is this thought I am creating fear-based?  Is it that I am afraid of losing something or not getting something I believe (read: I am often misguiding myself) I want?  Have I surrendered this to God and asked for what I need?  Is it a stretch for me to believe that what I NEED can also be what I determine as the thing that I want?

If I am thinking (or perhaps obsessing)  about “it” the chances are great that I have not surrendered.  If I am thinking about “it” the chances are great that I have assumed control.  Control, for the most part is a dangerous place for me to be.  Being able to handle situations, steer towards solutions and let go the need to steer the result is the “control” that I am best suited for.  Other than my worldly use of mind and body I prefer to turn over the control to God and know without the shadow of a doubt that the answers and results that I require will be mine.

It would seem, with professed trust and faith, that surrender to God’s will for me would be simple.  Sometimes I am easily within the consciousness and I am light and trouble-free.  But the ism’s I was born with are stealth and powerful.  It is easy to find myself within the grasp of a disconnection that creates the thought processes and subsequent problems that can be a minefield to simplicity and serenity.    Fortunately my ongoing sobriety teaches me that it is not impossible to create the habit of stopping when the behavior (or desire) to control seizes me.  My willingness for solution and action are imperative to this process.  Basking in problem, ill-thinking, resentment and anger are places that the ism adores.  They are natural playgrounds for the martyr and partners to low self-esteem and elevated ego.  It is difficult at times to seize the willingness and move swiftly from self-created problem into surrender and God-consciousness.  It is, at times, as though we cannot move.

And what if I have not created the problem?

There is no difference.  My reaction to what the world is offering… inwardly or outwardly… is all the same.  Naturally there are degrees of difficulty in perception and reality.  It is entirely human to require human emotion and process what is happening around you.  Even in more difficult situations that I may not have created out of nothing (the more prevalent variety of God disconnection) I have been afforded the ultimate tool of consciousness through prayer, meditation and surrender.  The choice of accepting God’s help and guidance and going the road on my own are very much black and white.  One provides comfort and happiness (be it immediate or gradual) and the other results in discomfort and elevated levels of anger and further disconnection from my source.

What is most unusual is that my intuition provides me with God’s guidance every time.  My human nature and over-analytical mind may hear/see/feel that guidance and ignore it as the blanket of fearful thoughts begin to cover me.  This happens out of what I have always felt to be self-preservation.  I am protecting myself from you… from them… from the world… from myself… from everything.  One of my longest and most productive classrooms in this lesson of life has been to re-teach this feeling of preservation and to abolish the negative habits that pull me away from God.

As I end old habits I am slowly and effectively adding new ones.

A solid example of both what I want and need in my relationship with God.

Be Happy.  Be Well.  Be.

Not that I have been over-reacting to anything these days… I have become much better at the calm and dignified response over the past several years…  but it is important to remember that I, like most humans, have triggers.

In alcoholics anonymous there is an acronym called HALT.  It stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired.  These are buttons that an alcoholic should be aware of and keep in line.  It’s natural that we should feel all four of these separately and sometimes a couple in combination, we are human.  But if and when the alcoholic is not in sync with the tools at his or her disposal and all four of the triggers are pushed and played… there is a danger of becoming the victim of your untreated “ism”.  You are weaker and vulnerable.  It is at times like these that we will react different, hastily, often without thinking and sometimes in anger.

Reaction can be dangerous to our happy quotient.

One of my favorite authors also writes about the reaction:  In Don Miguel Ruiz’s “The Four Agreements” the agreement that states “Don’t take anything personally” advises us that ‘what others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream’.  Where that advises us to remember that anything that may appear or feel combative or judgmental is only within our reaction to their experience, we should remember that even those who are not intending a negative may elicit one simply because we are not stopping, breathing and thinking before we respond.

In my current landscape I am not feeling the love for the work environment that I am within.  What I have learned over the past several months, however, is that the environment is what it is… and does not necessarily provide me with the experience I am perceiving.

My REACTION to that environment is what I am experiencing.  Nothing anybody does or says is important enough to adjust the way I think, believe or respond if I am working with the tools of my program the way I have to overcome so many other mountains in my life.  If I am responding with any sort of anger or resentment (whether outwardly, in my head or on paper) I am not keeping my mind open to ALL the possibilities that the situation at hand may be offering.

When I am in resentment I am probably hungry, angry, lonely or tired…. and more than likely a combination of at least two or more.  If that is the case I have made a pre-judgment on a situation…. I have made up my mind and I am not going to like what is in front of me.  That shuts the door on any number of elements, possibilities, positive challenges and future successes that may not be in the realm of my limited scope because my mind is closed.

Stopping, breathing and thinking about my reaction does not make me a doormat.  On the contrary, it has allowed me to become a happier soul.  I am not looking for the problem in the conversations within a stressful environment… I am, instead, becoming the solution or seeking it without any altercation or negative vibe.

It is important as another year starts drawing to its close that I am able to map out my new horizon on a path that involves feeling better about myself, the world around me and God.  I am growing and this is an ongoing stage (a staircase if you will) towards more enlightenment.  The sound of that is one that I would have a very positive reaction to.

… after I stop, breathe and think.

Be Happy, Be Well, Be.

For years, possibly my entire life, I have been conflicted about God.  What is it?  Is it a he?  A she?  Does the God I was taught of  as a child exist (and does that mean I AM going to hell?)  How does one define God if they do not want to accept this as a being that punishes and judges? Why is or does God need to be so controversial when, if left open to individual interpretation it can mean the difference between a life fulfilled and a life in isolation?

But then… that might be the beginning of my own definition of what GOD is or how I have chosen to incorporate a higher power into my own life in order to let go of the power(s) I have called my own to ill-effect and numerous illustrations of sadness or dis-ease.

In my experience many “use” God through their own skewed interpretations of the Bible or their need to build themselves up by separating and tearing down others.  God and the Bible become weapons of choice to lob missiles of hate and point fingers of condemnation.  Whereas this assessment walks a fine line of judgment in and of itself… I speak to it NOT as a means of belittling what others will do with their understanding of God (in all honestly it is truly none of my business), but instead as a way to build my own definition by removing what I feel is not necessary for my point of view, my happiness and my moral and spiritual code.

But just saying the word “GOD” is not always very popular outside of the everyday vernacular (Oh my GOD!) that doesn’t tie directly to how one defines their own foot in the door of religion… or out of it for that matter.  People speak of God mindlessly without any affiliations to what that may mean to them.  It can be somewhat ironic to watch an atheist or an agnostic announcing a surprised (and often fearful) “oh my GOD!” to something that provokes sudden response.

The God of religion is what I tended to run from.  Built (at least in my experience) in fear, the almighty bearded father to Jesus Christ was used to remind me of all the things I was doing or potentially would do wrong.  This sort of blind authority figure, painted largely to control through others sense of morals and opinion, set off a chain reaction of angst, disgust, escape and anger earlier in my life that began a very longstanding disdain for the word and the many different reasons that “God” was for others, but not for me.

But in sobriety I had to change the way I thought.  From the base changes in re-learning how I reacted, the habits I created, the reasons I hid, isolated, hated myself or others around me… to the basis of how one learns to stop destructive behavior in thinking and action through surrender, the word GOD was again introduced and I was left with the choice between health through re-opening my mind or stubborn unwillingness to accept that there IS a power greater than myself and I am most definitely NOT that power.

This is where the definition of MY God then began.

The first thing I had to understand and remember was that God is just a word.  There really doesn’t have to be an image or a package attached to it.  Often God is simply a feeling for me.  Many in the program I belong to are so dis-associated to the word God and may choose to call their higher power by other words or phrases.  Many are so removed from the idea of religion (whether or not it needs to be attached) that they must create different types of images, thoughts, words and methods to work around the word God.

For many years I was one of those people.  For me, the word GOD meant that I was being religious.  I did not want my program to be religious so I would not allow myself to go there.  It was difficult because no matter what the steps of the program were trying to teach and help me with, I was always slightly removed because of my preconceptions and inability to accept the word God.  Everything was wrapped around this sense of “religion” being bad and I was, in effect, only giving a percentage of myself to a goal that would have possibly provided me more with the full thrust of my being.

In meetings I have watched those who use the word GOD get turned off by many members within the room.  It is always going to be a difficult piece (for some) in the sobriety puzzle.  For many of my own years I would carefully choose the words I used within shares and in how I worked with others.  I tread lightly in order to make sure that I didn’t turn off where those, like myself in earlier years, would have possibly decided the answers being offered were not of the variety they felt safe or comfortable with.

Today I will talk about God freely.  God is saving my life.  God is offering me the chances to be the person I want to be, to see the world I live in without anger and fear and to offer myself as a teacher in service in a SPIRITUAL program that requires we remember that we are powerless and there is a power greater than ourselves who can restore us to sanity.  God has come to equal sanity for me.

Whether one uses the word God is needs to be irrelevant within the steps.  What is important is that you remember you are powerless and there is that power greater than yourself.  But for me the inner debate of religion vs. spirituality and the importance of the word GOD as a reason to wonder if a person is going to start reading scripture or attempt to convert you has lost its priority.  It is not necessary to ask this question or consider this option.  It is not relevant.  I am happy with my concept of God.  I am happy to work with others and allow them to find their own concept, but I will always explain mine without judgment in order to be honest about how I work a spiritual program.  God is important to my program and my life…. to edit God out of my service would be, in effect, a disservice.

I am no longer afraid and that shedding of fear has allowed another layer of willingness to emerge.

The onion really does keep peeling.

Be Happy.  Be Well.  Be.

I haven’t been in my blog for a while and although I don’t have any regrets in my life… I do feel I should be sharing the freedom of expression and ever-present reminders I offer myself by putting whatever is on my mind out there.

It isn’t for lack of writing.  I have been busy writing up a storm with a wonderful bond I have been given in London.  With this person I am writing, sharing, growing, changing, living, laughing, crying and becoming a different person entirely through the grace of my God and a LOT of good program.  This relationship along with the many I have continued to cultivate on this side of the ocean is building my strength and self-worth tenfold as I work through the daily life and begun to change the very way I think in order to build a better future.

At the top of my list regarding transformation is the way I think.  I am an intelligent man with a great many assets of life education and a constant craving to learn and grow.  One of my character defects, however, comes in the form of a stubborn streak that does not allows recognize or utilize the tools for change that I have under my nose.  They are always there… and many I have used countless times before.  But when a soul finds themselves in negative patterns built by selfishness, resentment and anger at environment, individuals or themselves…  there is no growth.  What happens is a one digs a hole that gets deeper and deeper.  In some moments the light at the top of the hole cannot even be seen.

This is the dark night of the soul.  I have been there before and it is entirely possible that I will be there again.  But what has been important for me is to recognize where I am in any particular moment (the past and the future being important but the present being vital.)  For me the issues I have been facing is a burnout in my professional world.  I work too much and I am not really growing within it… getting more to do is not necessarily the type of growth I can succeed with.

So I complain to myself.  I write in my journals about how I am being taken for granted and I am not appreciated or utilized to the fullest of my extent.  I wonder why other people are getting things that I feel I should be getting (comparing myself to others) and I internalize the threats of pulling out (I’ll show them) and moving on somewhere else.

That actually COULD happen… but it is not wise spiritually to do anything out of resentment or reaction.  What has to happen is within the way I think.  I have learned that I must change how I see these things, those individuals and the way that I am doing the job in front of me.  When I remember that I am there (and everywhere) to be of service… and remember that there are people out there nowhere near as fortunate as I am to be receiving the paycheck and the opportunities that I do… that is when I must STOP and transform.

I wrote to my soul bond in London on the day of my dark night of the soul.  I asked for help.  What I received outside of the honesty, support, love and wisdom, was a workbook called “A Spiritual Transforming with Luke 21st Chapter.”

For years I have built a program with the idea of a higher power.  Growing up Catholic and seeing the general direction of our country and religion within it has stopped me from wanting to use the word GOD and most definitely from associating myself with the Bible… a tool used by many as a weapon.

But what is more important?  The judgments I have about the Bible, religion and God or the transformation I am seeking?  I need to open my mind and look at the tools that exist in the world for how they can help ME if I am able to listen and learn within.  Reading this transformational workbook is helping.  It is a side by side comparison of a chapter from the Bible (Luke 21) done verse by verse with an alcoholic who is looking to transform.  The gist of the workbook is NOT about the Bible.  It is about the way we can work on ourselves spiritually.  It is about questions, 38 in total, that correlate to the reactions this alcoholic had to the reading of each of the Luke passages in chapter 21.

It is working.

Each day I answer a question.  Each day I take that question and I concentrate on how it is important to me… how it has effected me and what I think about it with no edits.  The result in a couple of weeks is change.  I am changing.  I am seeing the world differently.  I am growing in a connection via my friend in London (connection being the thing that I most crave within my worldly existence..)

I am transforming.  It is a process.  I am willing, able and more than excited about the future as a result of this daily TOOL that I am working on and with.  It is amazing how we can stop and start again in new directions.  This would not be the first time I have done so.

I pray to God it is not the last.

Be Happy.  Be Well.  Be.

During the course of my life I have learned that many people and situations were not trustworthy.  I have felt abandoned, lied to and taken advantage of.  It has not broken me… and in most (if not all) situations has taught me valuable lessons that have strengthened my resolve, personality and ability to work and coexist with the world at large.  I do not live in fear but when it comes to some aspects of my life I hold on to a control issue with such vigor that the only person that it is truly hurting is myself.

But I am not a victim of any circumstances, people, or places.  I am completely aware that the idea of victimization is born within my head and I do not wish to live in that space.  This is why trust is most important, even if it does feel awkward or scary.  This is why I must take the leaps of faith that some trust requires and why I must willingly take a bullet in some situations where the trust is not met.  Learning about and living through trust “issues” in the past does not make me an expert on identification or living with (or without) trust of others.  I believe the situation of trust within different people is as unique as the individual.  I do not have the capability of knowing the outcome of any event or situation.  I do not know when someone is lying or simply in their own state of fear when it comes to any interaction with me.  I do have my intuition.  I have my gut feelings.  I have my sense of right and wrong.

But I must also be very careful not to think too much.  Many of my issues come from over-analyzation.  I am aware that the intuitive sense is the innate feeling or impression that first arrives.  What happens after that initial feeling is the thought-process… an internal debate with scores of offerings heaped on the original thought to weigh pros and cons of the situation, person, place or thing.  Do you trust God?  Do you trust yourself?  Trust must begin with the basics.

I either do trust God or I don’t.  There is no middle ground.  Anything in-between is second-guessing and more than likely my own control of the situation.  Anything in-between is that over-analyzation of whatever is at hand.  My bottom line is that I must trust God or I am not going to be able to ever learn to fully trust myself.  Without that I am out of luck in trusting others and the true meaning of life becomes mired in fear, anger and isolation of the soul and the spirit.

Hardly a happy place to be.

When I open my eyes in the morning I am learning to instantly see the gratitude of the day.  I communicate my faith and trust in God to allow me the chance to move forward covered in that blanket.  When I pull away from that motivation (even the most serene and spiritual must allows admit and allow their humanness) I stop, take a breath and surrender myself again.  On some days I do this rather constantly.  I must.  I consider the consequence or alternative if I do not.  I ask myself do I want to be right (control) or happy (surrender)?  I am not always quick to the answer on that question… but I have been in this classroom long enough to identify the self-willed and self-piteous moments and do something with them.

Self-pity is nothing but a time waster.  I haven’t got THAT many years left on this planet in this form.  I don’t want to find myself removed and consider the regret of having not done things I felt were destined for this particular path.  Some would argue, naturally, ,that if it isn’t done it wasn’t meant to be.  I would tend to agree but I also know that within my path I hold some power.  God may know the ultimate plan but I tend to believe that there are options as to the full scope of the path.  There may be more originally planned options for a path that may need to be revisited, albeit re-formatted, for a future existence because they had not been “met” or “experienced”.

Why not?  I have read books and heard speakers talk to the spirit traveling and coming back to repeat life lessons that had not been fully learned.  There are days that I feel like an old soul…. meaning I sometimes think that there are many lessons I had already learned in past incarnations.  But… I am not completed because I am here in this classroom continuing to learn.  I am willing, that is a lesson within itself.  With that willingness comes the opportunity to see and hear what is meant to be seen and heard.

My life trudges on.  I see glimmers of difference and change.  I believe some major shifts are due to come for me in the near future.  Are they a result of lessons learned or are they new classrooms that will begin an entirely different flow of information?  I don’t know the answers to these questions.  All I know is that I bought myself a few new notebooks and a couple of boxes of pens.  I am a note taker.  I am a “logger” of information and life.  I will listen and I will retain what it is that I am meant to.  I will grow and I will change.  I will sieze all this information as if drinking water in a desert.  I am more powerful as a result of this classroom.  I am fortunate for having a life that has seen that the classroom is there.

Yes, there is still so much to learn.  Thank God.

Be Happy.  Be Well.  Be.

I have been working on a concentrated effort to be in my moments as they are happening.  I have had a habit for much of my life to always desire something else, somewhere better or simply the end of the place that I perceive that I am in.  The problem with that type of thinking is the loss of living life where I am.  Here, right now.

I am a proponent of action and change.  I believe that we should always be learning and growing, changing and evolving.  It is not this sort of activity or motivation that I feel I should avoid.  There is not one iota of growth potential that I would not connect myself to… I am driven in this lifetime to be the best that I can be and to do so by taking the individual experiences, turning them into lessons and compiling the results into the better days that I potentially have ahead.

What has happened for me in many of my years is that I have not enjoyed the individual experiences.  I have not been paying attention to where I am because I am spending too much time trying to see where I would rather be.  What I have learned of late is that the lessons are the journey that I really need to experience.  The moments are vital to my growth.  Where I am is as important as where I will be.  Not to get too existential…  but realistically it would not matter where I am going if all I do is look towards the future.  Why?  Because if the behavior were to continue how would I know if I got to that future  when I am too busy looking for yet another one.

Living in the moment has never been something I understood how to do.  I am a Pisces.  We are dreamers, schemers and purveyors of fantasy.  If I am looking towards what I always feel is a better way for me, it stands to reason that I can’t possibly ever really achieve some form of satisfaction or end result.  How will I know?  Is there an ultimate goal?  Am I in a long race towards a finish line?

The truth is that FEAR is a factor in not being able to live in a moment.  What if it is not enough?  What if you don’t have what you feel you should have or aren’t in the place you feel you should be?  Self-centered comparisons to the world around you will always provide you with the visual drugs that tell you what is better than what you are or have.  I could have better teeth… could live in a different house, perhaps even in a different city.  I could have a better job, a more rewarding relationship and God knows I could lose a few pounds and be more attractive.

All my moments have been telling me that I am not good enough and if I get to that place over there I will be better.  The fact remains that I am in a wonderful place in my life.  There are problems that I will find solutions for and things that I don’t quite understand… but my adventure is teaching me that the process of working THROUGH these things is the treasure of the path.  Jumping to the quick fix or the new place or time to avoid or run from my moments will only insure that I am going to re-visit these moments again in a different way.

So I stop.  I breathe.  I just am.

Today I am.

Be Happy.  Be Well.  Be.

Sedative may be an interesting choice of words for an alcoholic soul who has, very fortunately, spent the last 7000 days without the use of alcohol or drugs to plug up the holes, chase away the demons, quiet the voices or stifle the isolation and loneliness.  It works.  Even as a sober man I have to remember the methods and means by which I am able to build the proper relationships that will help me to think straight and know the direction I must turn to find and implement solutions that will bring me the shades of peace and purpose I know that I was placed into this body and assigned this soul to fulfill.

So what is sedating about recognition and validation?  It reminds a terminally unique and possibly lonely individual that he (or she) is not alone.  Recognition is the reminder that there is someone out there who is speaking your language.  You see in them what you understand within yourself.  It could be argued that validation is the very same thing.  I suppose that I combine the two as one because I must first recognize the similarities to make the connection that will allow me to feel the validation.

Tonight I heard a man speak that would seemingly be unrecognizable to me and the life that I live.  But this is the magic of listening and learning.  One never really knows where the recognition and validation will come from.  We sell ourselves short by assuming that there is nothing to offer in a message simply because of the way it is packaged or delivered.  The key is in your own willingness and the ability to stop and really hear.  We can all listen but if you hear you will learn and grow.  I’d be willing to bet that it is possible to do both within anything delivered… even the messages that we do not agree with.

Tonight Bill spoke of chasing the zebra.  This is something that I instantly recognized and related to.  This is the life long search for that something that is better than where I am, who I am, what I do, who I do it with… that piece of hope and that modicum of faith that I am on the verge of… just around the corner from and ultimately destined for something ELSE.

Granted I rarely really know what the “zebra” is or what it would be or mean if I were to find it (thus bringing into focus whether I am actually chasing something better or simply unable to look at what there is in the present.)   What if the Zebra was caught?  Would I stop?  Would there be recognition of the accomplishment and a happy ever after?   This is unlikely within the pattern that I have uncovered, discovered and will hopefully someday be able to discard.  The truth in every day of my life truly is that I found my Zebra years and years ago.  I am sitting on it.  I have everything that I am supposed to have and I am fortunate beyond belief to have it.

Do I know that on a daily basis?  Of course not.  But what I do know is that I have the tools at my grasp to rise to the challenge of awareness and response to how I will deal with the moments and challenges where I begin to believe once again that it is necessary to start the chase all over.

If you are out there and there are feelings of isolation, confusion, loneliness, depression, and most definitely FEAR… there are ways to stop the chasing (or hiding) and to start to recognize and feel validation.   Stop.  Perhaps it is time to rest and give yourself that break.

Be Happy.  Be Well.  Be.