I love solutions, peace and a happy existence as much as the next person… perhaps even a little bit more.  But it is obvious to me that no matter what I have done to improve the way that I live and think, I am usually, in some manner, creating problems in my head that don’t actually exist in the real world…

…well they didn’t exist until I created them.

I have an active imagination.  I over-think and I am analytic.  These are magnificent tools for thinking, reasoning and resolving… but can (read: does not have to) be a detriment to living life lightly.  I am under no illusion that life is always going to be an easy, breezy ride… but the fact remains that it isn’t a difficult one unless I am taking the reigns and driving the vehicle.

Solution:  Take a deep breath.  Stop.  Smile.  Evaluate.  Is this thought I am creating fear-based?  Is it that I am afraid of losing something or not getting something I believe (read: I am often misguiding myself) I want?  Have I surrendered this to God and asked for what I need?  Is it a stretch for me to believe that what I NEED can also be what I determine as the thing that I want?

If I am thinking (or perhaps obsessing)  about “it” the chances are great that I have not surrendered.  If I am thinking about “it” the chances are great that I have assumed control.  Control, for the most part is a dangerous place for me to be.  Being able to handle situations, steer towards solutions and let go the need to steer the result is the “control” that I am best suited for.  Other than my worldly use of mind and body I prefer to turn over the control to God and know without the shadow of a doubt that the answers and results that I require will be mine.

It would seem, with professed trust and faith, that surrender to God’s will for me would be simple.  Sometimes I am easily within the consciousness and I am light and trouble-free.  But the ism’s I was born with are stealth and powerful.  It is easy to find myself within the grasp of a disconnection that creates the thought processes and subsequent problems that can be a minefield to simplicity and serenity.    Fortunately my ongoing sobriety teaches me that it is not impossible to create the habit of stopping when the behavior (or desire) to control seizes me.  My willingness for solution and action are imperative to this process.  Basking in problem, ill-thinking, resentment and anger are places that the ism adores.  They are natural playgrounds for the martyr and partners to low self-esteem and elevated ego.  It is difficult at times to seize the willingness and move swiftly from self-created problem into surrender and God-consciousness.  It is, at times, as though we cannot move.

And what if I have not created the problem?

There is no difference.  My reaction to what the world is offering… inwardly or outwardly… is all the same.  Naturally there are degrees of difficulty in perception and reality.  It is entirely human to require human emotion and process what is happening around you.  Even in more difficult situations that I may not have created out of nothing (the more prevalent variety of God disconnection) I have been afforded the ultimate tool of consciousness through prayer, meditation and surrender.  The choice of accepting God’s help and guidance and going the road on my own are very much black and white.  One provides comfort and happiness (be it immediate or gradual) and the other results in discomfort and elevated levels of anger and further disconnection from my source.

What is most unusual is that my intuition provides me with God’s guidance every time.  My human nature and over-analytical mind may hear/see/feel that guidance and ignore it as the blanket of fearful thoughts begin to cover me.  This happens out of what I have always felt to be self-preservation.  I am protecting myself from you… from them… from the world… from myself… from everything.  One of my longest and most productive classrooms in this lesson of life has been to re-teach this feeling of preservation and to abolish the negative habits that pull me away from God.

As I end old habits I am slowly and effectively adding new ones.

A solid example of both what I want and need in my relationship with God.

Be Happy.  Be Well.  Be.

I haven’t been in my blog for a while and although I don’t have any regrets in my life… I do feel I should be sharing the freedom of expression and ever-present reminders I offer myself by putting whatever is on my mind out there.

It isn’t for lack of writing.  I have been busy writing up a storm with a wonderful bond I have been given in London.  With this person I am writing, sharing, growing, changing, living, laughing, crying and becoming a different person entirely through the grace of my God and a LOT of good program.  This relationship along with the many I have continued to cultivate on this side of the ocean is building my strength and self-worth tenfold as I work through the daily life and begun to change the very way I think in order to build a better future.

At the top of my list regarding transformation is the way I think.  I am an intelligent man with a great many assets of life education and a constant craving to learn and grow.  One of my character defects, however, comes in the form of a stubborn streak that does not allows recognize or utilize the tools for change that I have under my nose.  They are always there… and many I have used countless times before.  But when a soul finds themselves in negative patterns built by selfishness, resentment and anger at environment, individuals or themselves…  there is no growth.  What happens is a one digs a hole that gets deeper and deeper.  In some moments the light at the top of the hole cannot even be seen.

This is the dark night of the soul.  I have been there before and it is entirely possible that I will be there again.  But what has been important for me is to recognize where I am in any particular moment (the past and the future being important but the present being vital.)  For me the issues I have been facing is a burnout in my professional world.  I work too much and I am not really growing within it… getting more to do is not necessarily the type of growth I can succeed with.

So I complain to myself.  I write in my journals about how I am being taken for granted and I am not appreciated or utilized to the fullest of my extent.  I wonder why other people are getting things that I feel I should be getting (comparing myself to others) and I internalize the threats of pulling out (I’ll show them) and moving on somewhere else.

That actually COULD happen… but it is not wise spiritually to do anything out of resentment or reaction.  What has to happen is within the way I think.  I have learned that I must change how I see these things, those individuals and the way that I am doing the job in front of me.  When I remember that I am there (and everywhere) to be of service… and remember that there are people out there nowhere near as fortunate as I am to be receiving the paycheck and the opportunities that I do… that is when I must STOP and transform.

I wrote to my soul bond in London on the day of my dark night of the soul.  I asked for help.  What I received outside of the honesty, support, love and wisdom, was a workbook called “A Spiritual Transforming with Luke 21st Chapter.”

For years I have built a program with the idea of a higher power.  Growing up Catholic and seeing the general direction of our country and religion within it has stopped me from wanting to use the word GOD and most definitely from associating myself with the Bible… a tool used by many as a weapon.

But what is more important?  The judgments I have about the Bible, religion and God or the transformation I am seeking?  I need to open my mind and look at the tools that exist in the world for how they can help ME if I am able to listen and learn within.  Reading this transformational workbook is helping.  It is a side by side comparison of a chapter from the Bible (Luke 21) done verse by verse with an alcoholic who is looking to transform.  The gist of the workbook is NOT about the Bible.  It is about the way we can work on ourselves spiritually.  It is about questions, 38 in total, that correlate to the reactions this alcoholic had to the reading of each of the Luke passages in chapter 21.

It is working.

Each day I answer a question.  Each day I take that question and I concentrate on how it is important to me… how it has effected me and what I think about it with no edits.  The result in a couple of weeks is change.  I am changing.  I am seeing the world differently.  I am growing in a connection via my friend in London (connection being the thing that I most crave within my worldly existence..)

I am transforming.  It is a process.  I am willing, able and more than excited about the future as a result of this daily TOOL that I am working on and with.  It is amazing how we can stop and start again in new directions.  This would not be the first time I have done so.

I pray to God it is not the last.

Be Happy.  Be Well.  Be.

During the course of my life I have learned that many people and situations were not trustworthy.  I have felt abandoned, lied to and taken advantage of.  It has not broken me… and in most (if not all) situations has taught me valuable lessons that have strengthened my resolve, personality and ability to work and coexist with the world at large.  I do not live in fear but when it comes to some aspects of my life I hold on to a control issue with such vigor that the only person that it is truly hurting is myself.

But I am not a victim of any circumstances, people, or places.  I am completely aware that the idea of victimization is born within my head and I do not wish to live in that space.  This is why trust is most important, even if it does feel awkward or scary.  This is why I must take the leaps of faith that some trust requires and why I must willingly take a bullet in some situations where the trust is not met.  Learning about and living through trust “issues” in the past does not make me an expert on identification or living with (or without) trust of others.  I believe the situation of trust within different people is as unique as the individual.  I do not have the capability of knowing the outcome of any event or situation.  I do not know when someone is lying or simply in their own state of fear when it comes to any interaction with me.  I do have my intuition.  I have my gut feelings.  I have my sense of right and wrong.

But I must also be very careful not to think too much.  Many of my issues come from over-analyzation.  I am aware that the intuitive sense is the innate feeling or impression that first arrives.  What happens after that initial feeling is the thought-process… an internal debate with scores of offerings heaped on the original thought to weigh pros and cons of the situation, person, place or thing.  Do you trust God?  Do you trust yourself?  Trust must begin with the basics.

I either do trust God or I don’t.  There is no middle ground.  Anything in-between is second-guessing and more than likely my own control of the situation.  Anything in-between is that over-analyzation of whatever is at hand.  My bottom line is that I must trust God or I am not going to be able to ever learn to fully trust myself.  Without that I am out of luck in trusting others and the true meaning of life becomes mired in fear, anger and isolation of the soul and the spirit.

Hardly a happy place to be.

When I open my eyes in the morning I am learning to instantly see the gratitude of the day.  I communicate my faith and trust in God to allow me the chance to move forward covered in that blanket.  When I pull away from that motivation (even the most serene and spiritual must allows admit and allow their humanness) I stop, take a breath and surrender myself again.  On some days I do this rather constantly.  I must.  I consider the consequence or alternative if I do not.  I ask myself do I want to be right (control) or happy (surrender)?  I am not always quick to the answer on that question… but I have been in this classroom long enough to identify the self-willed and self-piteous moments and do something with them.

Self-pity is nothing but a time waster.  I haven’t got THAT many years left on this planet in this form.  I don’t want to find myself removed and consider the regret of having not done things I felt were destined for this particular path.  Some would argue, naturally, ,that if it isn’t done it wasn’t meant to be.  I would tend to agree but I also know that within my path I hold some power.  God may know the ultimate plan but I tend to believe that there are options as to the full scope of the path.  There may be more originally planned options for a path that may need to be revisited, albeit re-formatted, for a future existence because they had not been “met” or “experienced”.

Why not?  I have read books and heard speakers talk to the spirit traveling and coming back to repeat life lessons that had not been fully learned.  There are days that I feel like an old soul…. meaning I sometimes think that there are many lessons I had already learned in past incarnations.  But… I am not completed because I am here in this classroom continuing to learn.  I am willing, that is a lesson within itself.  With that willingness comes the opportunity to see and hear what is meant to be seen and heard.

My life trudges on.  I see glimmers of difference and change.  I believe some major shifts are due to come for me in the near future.  Are they a result of lessons learned or are they new classrooms that will begin an entirely different flow of information?  I don’t know the answers to these questions.  All I know is that I bought myself a few new notebooks and a couple of boxes of pens.  I am a note taker.  I am a “logger” of information and life.  I will listen and I will retain what it is that I am meant to.  I will grow and I will change.  I will sieze all this information as if drinking water in a desert.  I am more powerful as a result of this classroom.  I am fortunate for having a life that has seen that the classroom is there.

Yes, there is still so much to learn.  Thank God.

Be Happy.  Be Well.  Be.

I am reminded on my path that the road does not always reveal itself.  Inspiration and clues sent forth to provide a softer and easier way are there for the taking.  My experience has provided me with such tidbits… but I have also missed many along the way and created diversions and roadblocks, pain, confusion and even sadness and loss.

It could be said that these roadblocks were lessons that may (or may not) have provided me with alternative maps and valuable instruction towards the truest meaning of my path.  I cannot possibly know if a path is pre-destined or determined by the tools and tricks provided to us through programs and books.  Likewise I cannot be sure if luck is a part of the process in a lifetime.  What if I am not in a place that would provide me the inspiration and thus I am forced to find out by more difficult or even arduous methods?

There can be no denial that life’s path is, or can be, a matter of ‘right time, right place’ or the dreaded opposite.  But the point of listening is not about missing out on hearing something that you do not know exists… or that you are not in proximity to.  It is about making sure that you are in your now and out of judgment in order to hear what your higher power has put you in place to experience moment by moment.  Life truly is not worth the ride if we cannot experience it as it is occurring in front and all around us.  There are things to see, hear, feel, understand, question, grasp and retain… as a page in the diary of your own experience.

It could also be said that something not heard or experienced is simply not destined for your path.  But I must question, for myself, just how much I can “control” as a soul who wants to work towards fulfillment and betterment of my soul and relationship with the God of my own understanding.  If I am in the right frame of mind or judgment it is entirely possible that I will be in a more willing state to HEAR what will inspire and change me, and possibly change the course and direction of the path I am living.  The bottom line for me must be that I do not know if the path I will experience in the future is a set one or one that could take different routes depending on the way I react or understand the current place I am within it.

Very existential.

The final point I would like to raise about how we listen is within our own judgments of who might be able to inspire.  I have often found myself in a place where I don’t feel the person or persons I am in the presence of has anything to offer.   The question I have had to ask myself over the years is “how do I know where I will hear something that might change my life completely?”  Is there some sort of law that only certain”types” of people can provide me insight?

When I am in a meeting of alcoholics anonymous, for instance, it is not required that someone have a certain amount of time to provide a message, a line, a story or a piece of information that can move me, inspire me or turn me around on a situation or problem that I am currently facing.  If I allow myself to “tune out” because I don’t think this person is going to be able to offer me anything I may miss something that could do wonders for me… or simply make me feel better.

For me the choice of opening my mind, heart and ears to wherever I happen to be has provided me with insights and wisdom that has allowed me to grow and become more and more the person I honestly believe I am meant to be.  What has happened as a result is something that provides me with happiness and pride.  What could happen fills me with faith and hope.

And all I do is truly listen without judgment.

Be Happy.  Be Well.  Be.

Now you may ask… what does my mantra have to do with the spirit of compromise?  You may also be asking how I could look at the world with what would appear to be an apathetic attitude.  I will answer both of these questions in a moment.  Suffice it to say for me they most definitely work in tandem and, in my experience, very well.

To many people compromise can either mean losing or possibly just “not winning.”  And for some to say “It doesn’t matter” runs against the very fabric of the caring society that is strived for.   If it doesn’t matter it would naturally mean that one does not care, right?

Wrong on both assessments… at least wrong for me.

When life is black and white for me I am often not in the best of spirits.  Black and white indicates a structure that holds me into it’s framework.  It is not malleable or flexible.  I am not allowing myself to see things from more than just one angle or perspective.  What that provides, more than often, is personal struggle.  It means that I am not always going to like what I see happening or what it is I am doing.  Granted even with the addition of compromise there is no guarantee that I am going to like the process or the result… but the ratio of “enjoyment” or one’s ability to learn something or change the way things are viewed is much larger.

For me compromise is essential.  I have to look at the world in front of me and all the plethora of changes it offers with a modicum of elasticity.  I need to bend and grow and understand that comfort zones, however well earned and appreciated, are often not the best arenas for growth and life education… and no matter how much one loves said comfort zone.. it is bound to end one way or the other at some point no matter how comfortable it is.  If my mind is open to the changes around me and I am of the mind that I can “compromise” what I feel is “right or wrong” or even step into something that I don’t want to do with a compromising spirit I am undoubtedly going to win in many more ways than I would with a closed mind.

If I am willing to live with the benefit of the doubt and grow personally whether I am growing in other ways (initally), than compromise is a sure-fire way to expand horizons and see the world, a relationship or a job through different eyes and options.  NO, they don’t always work… but the experience is the treasure.  If I do something and it doesn’t work I can be happy knowing I have tried.  If I don’t do it because I just won’t… I am living within that aforementioned walled structure and missing opportunities.

And even the opportunities that fail are eventually something that allows us to grow and find better all around life experience down the road.

As for the mantra “It doesn’t matter”… I will explain it this way:  how often do we make a mountain out of a molehill?  How many times have we found ourselves angry about something or someone that has absolutely nothing to do with us?  For me it is about making sure that I don’t become to passionately involved with something to the point of taking things personally (one of The Four Agreements is “Don’t take anything personally”)  Just because people say things with conviction and relative sincerity… it doesn’t make it true.  Just because people are disagreeing or even trying to make things more difficult in our perception, this is not a reason to allow it to become our burden or take it on as a personal weight on the shoulders.  The fact is it really does not matter.

Again… I know there are things that really DO matter.  I do not for a moment want to claim that nothing ever matters.  I think people like me are able to discern the difference between what really DOES matter and what is something that we are taking too much stock in and allowing too much space in our heads and our lives.  There is a difference between what does matter and what does not.  Stop, breathe and think for a moment before you make it the issue it can become.  Understand that many, many, many things are created solely as a point in our heads to be right.  It is that old “black and white” philosophy I illustrated earlier.  Open your mind and know that if it is getting to you and it isn’t about the most important things in your life, it just does not matter.

On the road to a goal of happiness, these are tools that work.  I have that experience.

Be Happy.  Be Well.  Be.

In the past several weeks I have been stepping up on the changing of routines, focus, thought process and the results have been very, very nice.  I see the value at taking an inventory and creating the changes I desire as opposed to only sitting within my life and hoping for things to happen.  Change created can illicit change desired….  or further to the point, sometimes giving the change a bit of a push can inspire shifts that could exceed the expectation or desire one had in the first place.  Any way you look at this it beats sitting around and waiting for differences and adventures in your life.

One of the things that makes me who I am is the “ism” trait that finds me forever looking to be somewhere else.  I have battled this for my entire life.  There is a distinct and obvious point to this sort of thinking or behavior… it means I am not very good at being in the moment.  If I were I would probably be more apt to enjoy the places that I am… rather than wanting only to be where I felt I would be more satisfied.

Perhaps this would explain my constant craving for travel?

Trying to live in the moment might actually be the toughest piece of the puzzle that is my life.  I often wonder if I would be able to work through more of the things I desire to conquer if I were able to stop pushing myself out somewhere beyond where I am.  It doesn’t help that the times that I am able to honestly stop and recognize the place I inhabit completely I am on a vacation or somewhere different than the routines of my “normal” life.

I suppose this is normal.  And the fact is that I am not unhappy with the regular routines of my life.  I am extremely fortunate at all levels, I am not going to deny or forget that.  In a world filled with suffering the fact is I am not.  I have worked through every single difficulty I have ever allowed myself to and have a few on the plate that I know full well that I will conquer as well.  I am committed to living the best life possible and although there are times that I forget that truth, I am reminded simply by reading the words that I write over and over in journals and blog entries.

I absolutely insist on enjoying my life.

So what of those times that things seem to be in a rut?  You don’t perceive the advantages and believe that people are not really taking you seriously.  If things are seemingly set in a pattern and you don’t feel the growth that is required for a human LIVING (as opposed to simply being) it is important to find other avenues that will instill inspiration and motivate the changes that the stagnancy is lacking.  For me the changes have come in many different ways.  I have stepped up my life outside of work by becoming more involved with friends and fellowship.  Being sober alone is not enough.

I have also taken the bull by the horn and made the decision to make some changes with my personal self.  I am currently cleansing (literally) and have been doing so for 8 full days.  I plan on going from 10 or go up to 14.  It is astonishing what it has already done for me.  I am full of energy, faith, hope, patience and clarity.  I am feeling astonishingly better in body (in the first 7 days I have lost 10 pounds of that “ism” weight that was making me uncomfortable).

With the cleansing of the body, it would seem, comes the cleansing of the mind and soul.  Who knew?  Once this cleanse is completed I will start a new and different regimen to make sure that I can feel this way as much as possible after and in-between the cleanses.

And then there is a holiday coming on May 30th.  That doesn’t hurt either.

Be Happy.  Be Well.  Be.

For me, it seems, it has been largely what I do not have, what I have considered unattainable and whatever might be coming next.  So, it would seem, I am happy by the prospect of what my life could be.  This , I suppose is not necessarily a bad way to be, considering that sort of thinking is of an optimistic nature as opposed to believing the worst about  what lies ahead.

Although happiness can be wished for, dreamed about and earned… it is an emotion and can only actually be felt in the moment.  So it would stand to reason that the hopes and dreams of the future happiness is all good, but not truly the definition of happiness that I would be looking for.

Don’t get me wrong… it isn’t as though I am never happy in the moment.  I’m actually rather satisfied with my life.  I am blessed and I am fortunate, there is no doubt that I have become a person that I can be proud of and live a life where I am able to do and be so many things that I truly want to do and be.  This in no uncertain terms makes me happy.

The problem has been that I don’t seem to be as happy as I could or should be.  It seems that the aforementioned projection into what I could be is taking a lot of the emotional part of my living moments and moving me further away from the experiences I should getting more out of in the now. So although I am not an unhappy person, it has become obvious to me that  I am not fulfilling my full potential of happiness.

And it stands to reason (at least one would hope) that I am in a place  I had at one time been projecting myself towards… a place that I assumed and hoped would be a happy and possibly even happier time in my life.  Sounds a bit like a vicious cycle doesn’t it?  A little of the “grass is always greener” syndrome or a perpetual carrot being dangled in front of me.

The problem is it is I who constantly dangles the carrot.

My life is much like my journal pages.  I experience (and write) things over and over and over hoping that they will somehow change and my life with them.  Sometimes they do, most of the time they do not.  The willingness to repeat the behaviors, habits and patterns is, in most places, classic “insanity” (by definition this is where one does something repeatedly expecting different results).  But in my journal pages I learn through repetition.  I am of the school that tends to beat their head against a wall repeatedly until they are bloodied and finally surrender… and learn… and move on.  The journal pages have allowed me to see the patterns and, although I would love to believe that it would be the ultimate lesson, I will forever find gratitude for the therapy and growth experience it constantly provides.

I make habits, I can break habits.  But that requires action.

I will be redefining what happiness is and should be to me again as I start out a new week.  I’m realistic, however, in knowing that I will redefine it again in the future… perhaps many times.  I’m fine with that, because it stands to reason that all this thinking, plotting, defining and writing defines ME and the the hope for the future.  That makes me very happy.

I’m here for a reason.  I can’t say that I completely understand what that reason is… or if I am supposed to understand.  What I do know is that it makes me happy to know that I am in my classroom learning what it is that is going to take me to that place one day,,, day by day… while doing my best to be happy within the moments that make up those days.  I can ask for no better than that.

Be Happy.  Be Well.  Be.

It is entirely possible that I have ADD…. or perhaps I am over-tired on many of my days.  Sometimes I feel that I am doing too much and my brain becomes filled to the brim and simply cannot handle anything more.  Other times I just fall into my familiar world of self-obsession and begin thinking about the things I need to do, the places I’d rather be, the people in the room or any number of other things that aren’t involved with whatever is being said to me or around me.

And sometimes I just don’t THINK that what is being said is very interesting so I tune it out.

What happens when I am not paying attention to the world around me is that I rely almost entirely on the world within me.  As I mature and am able to bank more and more experience I become able to pull from this account and make intelligent decisions, hold my own in conversation and act around others in ways that I would consider appropriate and helpful to my own legacy for all aspects of my life.  I want to be proud of myself and it is important that I am able to pull the right information at the right times to help aid this goal.

Work in progress.

But this is why listening is important to the cause.  No matter what it is I am listening to…. or who, there is the potential for archival information that will not only help me to make good choices and decisions but will build up that treasure trove in my head to help me survive and flourish in times that I am relying only upon myself to make important decisions in aspects of my life.  Those times that I am not asking for advice or help…

There is no guarantee that I am going to enjoy or agree with what it is I hear when I am listening to the world around me… but there is more of a chance that I will miss opportunity to grow, change and benefit in many different ways should I shut the world around me out.  It is amazing the way my mood, day, job, relationships and life in general can lift when I am listening to the associated people, places and things in my midst.  I will hear the tidbits that turn on the light bulbs.  I have felt the spiritual awakenings.  I will recognize my ego and arrest the behaviors that do not serve me.  It is 100% possible to shift perception and attitude if I move out of the self-obsession and pay attention to the world around me.  It is highly likely my attitude will only get worse if I do not.

I write this today as a reminder that I have heard many very vital things to my own personal strength and path in recent days… and as a result I enter a new week of my ongoing existence with the proper perspective to churn out a successful and happy result.  That is the goal.  That is what I talk about ad-naseum.

The question, I suppose, is whether or not I will listen to this advice and carry on with it.

It’s time for change.  Taking the actions are going to yield the results.  These are words I speak to a lot lately… so if listening to the world around me is a tool in my box that will provide me with results that allow me to feel any less restless, irritable and discontent… I’m in.

Listen to that and hopefully it will provide you with a better day as well.

Be Happy.  Be Well.  Be.

It would appear that I am in a very long (and sometimes arduous) crossroads.  It isn’t the first time I have realized transition and if I am lucky it will not be the last.  What it does to me personally, however, is create inner struggle and, as always, far too much thinking, thinking, thinking.  That is the objective of transition… it is the basis of growth and point of the lesson.  Struggle IS faith, as long as one does not let go of it and takes the ‘trudge’ through to the point of delivery.

First and foremost I must remind myself that I am fortunate.  There are so many things to be grateful for and so much that I need only remind myself to recognize and enjoy for whatever they are.  When I look at the places I have come from and the path that I have behind me I am astonished at the accomplishments and the progress.  Where I am is a blessing… but even in saying so I am astute enough to recognize when a ride is ending and the next plan of action is in order.

Every life should contain motivation and passion.  It is understood that not every person achieves this in all they do, but I feel I have in almost every area.  I am passionate by nature.  I can be passionate to a fault.  In all facets of the path I have taken I have thrown myself into the work and play that encompasses my life with a vigor that can only be described as spirited and genuine.  For me there really are no half measures.  I commit to my writing, to my friends, to my passions.  I am honest with and about them and live by a positive intent.

Right now my path is not filled with this energy.  There are always going to be challenges… potholes that create the need for a shift of gears and mini-transitions inside a thriving passion.  But avoidance and denial are not answers to the best results in growth should I want the path to continue in an upwardly mobile direction.  Sometimes it is necessary to refocus.

I am currently lacking passion in the main area of my life.  It feels stale and somewhat lifeless where it once held a great deal of power and truth.  That is not to say that I am passionless.  There are pieces on the current path that are giving me a lot of energy and excitement.  I thrive within them and I am happy when around them.  Currently, however, they play minor roles in waking hours and that has made me realize that the transition has begun.

Knowing and taking action are two very different things.  My motivations towards growth and challenge are not a secret.  I have been actively looking into the next chapter for some time now… and have had bites and prospects start to sprout all around me (it is Spring, after all).  Some things are actually exciting in a courting aspect… others are not very realistic, but fit into a validation or reminder that I am more than I feel I have become where I currently am.  The story will play out … but isn’t moving as quickly as the man who wants more would like (and although people I believe in would tell me that constantly searching for more is classic alcoholic behavior I would remind them that this is not a new development in the current scenario…)

But this is where trust comes into play.   I have always felt amazingly guided by an angel (or angels).  I have been in situations throughout my life that presented me with insurmountable odds and been lifted out and beyond any imaginable height expected or dreamed.  Why would where I am today be any different? Add to that the expectation of results in my own time and there is a recipe for disappointment and resentment where none need be required.

So I stop.  I breathe and I remember that there are no rules in the world of guardian angels.  There is no law that gives me governance over how that guidance is to be done.  All that I must know is what I have already experienced.  Deliverance, growth, passion, joy… and always through questions, struggle and a bit of a trudge through the muck and mire of alcoholic thinking.

I trust and therefore I trudge.  To my angel: credit where credit is due.  I’m ready when you are.

Be Happy.  Be Well.  Be.

The question is whether or not I am already directing.  How much control do I actually have on my own life… and destiny?  How wise would it be for me to make snap judgments and decisions that would pull me into a new chapter?  Sometimes taking the leap of faith can be a very advantageous, courageous and genuine way to pull the adventure back into one’s life.  Sometimes it can set back and provide a lesson that hopefully will provide a new and better perspective to the world around us.  Both ways it tends to pull me out of a simple existence and back into the challenge of rising to become a better soul in a difficult world.

To do this I must remember the bottom line is that at all times we have the choice to do what we want the way we want to do it.  I have a feeling, however, if I were to live my life with that type of abandon in choice-making,  there may not be as much opportunity to walk through the things that I tend to want to make the choices about.

Being a thinker is a reward and a painstaking detriment.  On a daily basis I dissect and rebuild the world around me as if to evaluate each and every thing that is in my realm for the best possible results and the worst possible motives involved.  A thinker is often on the offensive and the defensive at the same time.  There is the side of hope, faith and fantasy… the half-cracked smiles of wishful thinking and dreams and then there is the plotting and resentment of things that “might” happen and their consequences.

But everything has a consequence.  Even if I were to choose randomly to do things that seem to be absolutely right and straightforward.  Even if the choices are done with the best of intentions…. My direction isn’t always clear or adhered to.  Many times it is simply up to the fates to decide how a result will reveal.  Sometimes pilot error does not consider all of the variables involved in the way something will turn out.  Decisions made in haste or with too much planning can often lead to the loss of instinct or intuitive guidance.

The best of direction does not always translate to the desired final result.

But I still fall back on the wise advice given me many years ago that reminded me that there were NO wrong choices / decisions… just consequences for everything we do.  Are you willing to accept the consequence?  Are you prepared to find yourself in similar or worse situations based off of a choice?  What will you do then?  Will you wish that you hadn’t made that choice or whip up that batch of lemonade from the lemons you chose to pick in the first place?

It seems that my life has been filled with these conundrums for months and months.  The craving for change… the great ideas… the offers that don’t sound quite right and the ones that sound too good to be true.  The need (nay ADDICTION) for the known… and the reliable.  The fear of what if?  All of these things and many more provide me a fodder for many a journal page as well as hours and hours of endless conjecture and tennis games between faith and fear (it can be utterly annoying and often surprising just how many sets some of these tennis games can go…)

Yes, I want to direct.  I want to write the script, cast the characters, film the footage, and edit the result.  I want to control my happiness and pave the path towards a meaningful existence.  This is the the bottom line of the daily trudge through the muck and mire of a complicated world.  For the most part I am enjoying the book, the screenplay and the many chapters that are churning out.  There are days, however, that I feel that I am trying to rewrite history… but no matter how much control I give myself or see myself having… there is always the final realization that I am not truly in charge.

I may be directing… but it would seem there will always be a producer calling the ultimate shots.

My week ahead I must provoke a plot twist… a change of direction… and some clarity in the overall plot.  My direction will provide the impetus for these things… but my challenge is to continually stay out of the result.  (Will the choice simply be “Let It GO!”)  On the days when I want to direct the most it is often very obvious that I must allow for the path to be revealed.  I want to enjoy the remainder of this chapter and insure that the chapter ahead is not one of digging myself out of another hole.  As much as I want the chapter to change… I must not deny or ignore the chapter I am still within.

I continue to look for “onwards and upwards”.  My plan is a lot of relevance for my character and a clean, smooth and fluid transition from one scene to the next.  I’ve directed enough to know I must trust myself and my intuition regarding the piece I am directing… but I must also know the story and characters well enough to pull out that winning result.  I am looking forward to the job ahead.

For now:  that’s a wrap.

Be Happy.  Be Well.  Be.