I have discovered that the central susceptibility to self will is environment. What we are around… listening to, reading, experiencing can be detrimental if allowed towards a sense of spiritual comfort and peace. Subconsciously the human mind can easily fall into habits that will be less than fruitful in desired results… even if something is telling us to repeat behavior to achieve the things we are looking for.

As contrived as that sounds, I have discovered that I am a creature of habit and that, if I am in the right motivation and committed focus, I can change absolutely anything about my nature or behavior to feel and actually be better. This is no easy task… and can be somewhat frustrating when one’s awareness points out the fallibility of a “bad” habit or habits during a transitional phase.

I remember a period of my life when I was told that I reacted to everything. Granted, reaction is normal… but my reactions were of the defensive variety. It was a magical moment in my development as a human because I recall knowing that I couldn’t “react” to that being told to me. I was sort of “busted” and it became a place where I knew that there was not only a change needed, but that I had absolutely every faith in myself to make it.

The result of that period of my life was nothing less than astounding. I learned that any part of me was built in habit and that if a habit is created it can be UN-created. I worked for weeks and months in “arresting” behavior as it was happening until the point in time that the habit had been broken and another put in its place. I had literally become a different person. It became the consistent model for my behavior and the result was in how I felt about myself and how others perceived and reacted to me.

Done deal? Not necessarily. Anything that we do for ourselves must be maintained. How we are as humans, our behavior and our interaction to the world around us is a lot like a diet. Things must be maintained and perfected. They must be treated and nurtured. I have not reverted to the person I was all those years ago, because I have matured and evolved through time and the habits that were created. By that same token, however, I have put a bit of that reactive “weight” back on. The environment, my ego, pieces of overwhelm or faitgue… or any other variety of environmental stimuli have resulted in a return of some behaviors that I am suddenly awakening to.

What points this out? Ask yourself how you feel. Are you happy? Is everything all right? Are you constantly striving for things that you believe you are either owed or somehow deserve? Do you resent and feel frustrated when things are not going “your way”? This is all signs of self-will. With a full-on self will I find myself in a place that is less than desirable when, in fact, I have nothing but desirable things in my life. Even if there is something that isn’t what it could be… I must understand that there might be a reason that it is where it is. John Lennon said that “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” My point is that the more I design what I feel should be the more I find myself in places of discontent because my will is not being met.

I suppose the real question is whether or not the will I am projecting is the right will at all. In surrender I am looking at the world moment by moment and seeing what is in front of me more with quizzical eyes… and less with the fear and defense view. When I have taken down the walls in the past I have noticed that there is a much wider area to move into. In that area I have discovered opportunities, people, places and hidden joys that I would not have otherwise encountered. I ask myself why I wouldn’t accept that sort of outlook without question. It is Mark nature (I’d claim it as human but I can only speak to my own experience) to internalize the way I see things and crave response and communication. Without it I am prone to self-prophesy… and fear dictates answers that are rarely ever the truth of the situation.

Again… the question would arise as to why a soul would continue down that sort of path knowing the differences it pays off? I don’t know. If I knew this I would bottle it up and sell it. I cannot dwell on the why… I must look at the nuts and bolts of the healthy spiritual diet I require to enjoy the experience I am to have on a daily basis. I want to live.. the trudging takes a lot out of me and I get very, very tired.

So… to the mantra. This morning I found myself in the beginning phases of a rebirth of my nature. In it I knew that I must train myself to recognize the behaviors that I had adopted and arrest them when I am performing them. It would be naive for me to believe that the mere desire to change a habit would be the only thing necessary. Instead I am committed to the work ahead….and the recognition of “problem” to be replaced with solution as quickly as possible in every single situation. One of the first things out of my mouth as I encountered my first negative “reaction” this morning was “It doesn’t matter.”

It doesn’t matter.

To the naysayer: It is not a complete submission to the world around me. Naturally some things DO matter. I am adult (and astute) enough to recognize the difference between what is a negative reaction and something that deserves the attention of a response. Where it is dragging me to a level that is less than what I expect is necessary it simply doesn’t matter. Where it doesn’t matter it is best to remind myself through mantra that it does not require any further thought or action, which is the very place that the inner-wheels start to turn and create the reactions, frustrations, fear and problems. If it is repeated throughout my day the success is amazing. As the days go by I am fortunate if the need for the mantra is decreasing. Eventually (and I know this from experience) I am not picking apart the universe to suit my will anywhere near as much as I had been doing and the habit is in full effective change.

The result is change. All around me things are different, inside and out.

The project is effective. The mantra is harmless and honest. The results through the weeks and months ahead will be posted here.

Be Happy. Be Well. Be.

Fear is incapacitating. It drives the car. It makes the decisions. It chooses the fates. It is so very easy for me to know how things are going to turn out because of experiences I have already had. If it happened before it is bound to happen again, right? History repeats? What’s the point of doing something if I know how it is going to turn out and Buddha knows it is not going to turn out well.

Does anybody know how hard that is on an intelligent thinker? It’s mind-boggling that I am able to put thoughts together rationally or complete sentences on some days much less work through the myriad of problems, jobs, challenges, fire-drills and flash floods that the world tends to gift me with. Tied up in a bow none the less…. handed to me with a smile and a knowing malevolence. Give it to Mikey, he’ll eat it.

But then… isn’t that what life is all about? Working our way through the maze? Some days I can navigate that puppy without a hitch. Left then right, then right and right again, left and back, up around the corner and WHAM… I have found my way through and to the other side of all the many things that I am here to accomplish.

Other days I am lost. I carry the shovel and find myself unconsciously digging until there is a hole that I am looking up from dazed and confused as to how the hell I got there in the first place. Funny thing about those holes, however. Look carefully. In every hole that I have ever gotten myself into there was a means to pull myself up. A ladder, some steps, a rope…. a means of obvious and easy escape from a trap that I have undoubtedly built for myself.

So… one might ask… why continue to dig the holes? Hell if I know. I suppose that is why I write these blogs… here is where I find my answers (outside of my journals where I can write about you without you knowing.) It is a known fact that we mere humans can talk ourselves into things and just as easily talk ourselves out of them. I do my schizophrenia much better in written form.

I am a very well adjusted man. I am a thinker. I am smart and I am aware. My human side is built on emotion and experience. I have had many of each. I live in my world sympathizing and empathizing. I abhor injustice but I cannot find myself too embroiled in the anger that is necessary for that side of the human spirit. Perhaps that will be my next glorious step on the path. I do know that when I find myself in fear in places that I have been in fear before there is a reason. It means that I am creating it and it may be time to move myself to different pastures… stop in the path and take that right or left into a new avenue.

Change.

But, then I ask myself. If I change… what will happen to this. Where will that be? How will I be able to that? Who is going to…? So I stop and I decide, instead, that I will plot out the path step by step and decide what the answers will be… even if I am not all that happy with what they may be. Sound familiar? Fear: False evidence appearing real. It stops me from growing and changing. It stunts my moments and stalls my happiness. It isn’t something I would suggest and it is something that we all experience whether we want to admit it or not. Can I stop it? I wouldn’t dream of it. Some of the fear I have experienced has provided me with the most cathartic and amazing breakthroughs in my life.

Right now I am about due for another one.

But fear isn’t how I will get there. Letting GO of the fear is. I am tired of many things to the point of fearing they will not end. By fearing this I am holding on to the results because I am trying desperately to figure out the way that I can manipulate and push them into the model of clay that I see fit for what I would “presume” my best answer.

Historically the best results come from heaving the heavy sigh…. and letting go of the results. Let the chips fall where they may. I walk through my day with the best intention and the promise to be and do my best. The results will happen but they will not be mine to choose. But the process is illuminating and free of the fear that causes the problems in the first place. The brush is already clearing on the path. Somewhere up ahead I will see the turn. I am packed and ready to go… I travel light. Breathing… breathing… sighhhhhhh…

Be Happy. Be Well. Be.