For years, possibly my entire life, I have been conflicted about God.  What is it?  Is it a he?  A she?  Does the God I was taught of  as a child exist (and does that mean I AM going to hell?)  How does one define God if they do not want to accept this as a being that punishes and judges? Why is or does God need to be so controversial when, if left open to individual interpretation it can mean the difference between a life fulfilled and a life in isolation?

But then… that might be the beginning of my own definition of what GOD is or how I have chosen to incorporate a higher power into my own life in order to let go of the power(s) I have called my own to ill-effect and numerous illustrations of sadness or dis-ease.

In my experience many “use” God through their own skewed interpretations of the Bible or their need to build themselves up by separating and tearing down others.  God and the Bible become weapons of choice to lob missiles of hate and point fingers of condemnation.  Whereas this assessment walks a fine line of judgment in and of itself… I speak to it NOT as a means of belittling what others will do with their understanding of God (in all honestly it is truly none of my business), but instead as a way to build my own definition by removing what I feel is not necessary for my point of view, my happiness and my moral and spiritual code.

But just saying the word “GOD” is not always very popular outside of the everyday vernacular (Oh my GOD!) that doesn’t tie directly to how one defines their own foot in the door of religion… or out of it for that matter.  People speak of God mindlessly without any affiliations to what that may mean to them.  It can be somewhat ironic to watch an atheist or an agnostic announcing a surprised (and often fearful) “oh my GOD!” to something that provokes sudden response.

The God of religion is what I tended to run from.  Built (at least in my experience) in fear, the almighty bearded father to Jesus Christ was used to remind me of all the things I was doing or potentially would do wrong.  This sort of blind authority figure, painted largely to control through others sense of morals and opinion, set off a chain reaction of angst, disgust, escape and anger earlier in my life that began a very longstanding disdain for the word and the many different reasons that “God” was for others, but not for me.

But in sobriety I had to change the way I thought.  From the base changes in re-learning how I reacted, the habits I created, the reasons I hid, isolated, hated myself or others around me… to the basis of how one learns to stop destructive behavior in thinking and action through surrender, the word GOD was again introduced and I was left with the choice between health through re-opening my mind or stubborn unwillingness to accept that there IS a power greater than myself and I am most definitely NOT that power.

This is where the definition of MY God then began.

The first thing I had to understand and remember was that God is just a word.  There really doesn’t have to be an image or a package attached to it.  Often God is simply a feeling for me.  Many in the program I belong to are so dis-associated to the word God and may choose to call their higher power by other words or phrases.  Many are so removed from the idea of religion (whether or not it needs to be attached) that they must create different types of images, thoughts, words and methods to work around the word God.

For many years I was one of those people.  For me, the word GOD meant that I was being religious.  I did not want my program to be religious so I would not allow myself to go there.  It was difficult because no matter what the steps of the program were trying to teach and help me with, I was always slightly removed because of my preconceptions and inability to accept the word God.  Everything was wrapped around this sense of “religion” being bad and I was, in effect, only giving a percentage of myself to a goal that would have possibly provided me more with the full thrust of my being.

In meetings I have watched those who use the word GOD get turned off by many members within the room.  It is always going to be a difficult piece (for some) in the sobriety puzzle.  For many of my own years I would carefully choose the words I used within shares and in how I worked with others.  I tread lightly in order to make sure that I didn’t turn off where those, like myself in earlier years, would have possibly decided the answers being offered were not of the variety they felt safe or comfortable with.

Today I will talk about God freely.  God is saving my life.  God is offering me the chances to be the person I want to be, to see the world I live in without anger and fear and to offer myself as a teacher in service in a SPIRITUAL program that requires we remember that we are powerless and there is a power greater than ourselves who can restore us to sanity.  God has come to equal sanity for me.

Whether one uses the word God is needs to be irrelevant within the steps.  What is important is that you remember you are powerless and there is that power greater than yourself.  But for me the inner debate of religion vs. spirituality and the importance of the word GOD as a reason to wonder if a person is going to start reading scripture or attempt to convert you has lost its priority.  It is not necessary to ask this question or consider this option.  It is not relevant.  I am happy with my concept of God.  I am happy to work with others and allow them to find their own concept, but I will always explain mine without judgment in order to be honest about how I work a spiritual program.  God is important to my program and my life…. to edit God out of my service would be, in effect, a disservice.

I am no longer afraid and that shedding of fear has allowed another layer of willingness to emerge.

The onion really does keep peeling.

Be Happy.  Be Well.  Be.

Perhaps it would be better to say that I am kick-starting a spiritual death in order to bring forth a new and better path. It is likely that this will be the same path I’ve been on but with a different focus, including new priorities and a lot less of the noise that seemed to be cluttering the airwaves within the spiritual plane I’ve been existing on for a very long time. This will not be my first death within this soul’s journey, however, as I have started over before with wild and fulfilling success. But nothing lasts forever.

I am not an overly religious. I find the state of organized religion in the world to be scary at best. Religion is used so often as a weapon and a tool for power. It is, in many cases, about anger, control and big business. It is about money and war and politics. This is not what I consider the inspired roadway to the best person I can be. It is, however, very important to others… and although I do not recommend it to those like me I would not condemn it to those who use it sincerely as I see myself with a spiritual path.

When I grew up I connected prayer to religion, thus the paragraph above… a disclaimer of sorts. I don’t want to be a religious man but there seems to be something about prayer that I have found to be intriguing and fruitful. It is a form of communication. I speak and something listens. It isn’t important to identify that something because the point for me is in the communication. That’s my turn, where meditation and even to some extent some yoga is about stopping and listening.

So why am I talking about prayer in an entry about shifting priority? I’ll get to that. Be patient.

For months of my life now I have not been the person I want to be. Even those who strive to spirituality and change in their lives are susceptible to a back-pedaling of self will. I am a man of solutions but I have been looking only at the problems and fears. It is not something that is necessarily a conscious decision and is often a product of environment and stress. But the problem is real. I am missing a lot of the joy that I feel we are all entitled to because I am focusing on the things I see as what should be. Self will runs riot.

The result of this has been an ongoing slip into mini-depressions and countless escape clauses and plans that take form in many different ways that will essentially end up being unhealthy. Awareness and good people in my life has resulted in a regrouping and a recharging of the spiritual battery. I have been to this place before and I do not fault myself for being here again. I am human and this is part of the experience. Each experience is a chance to grow and learn about how to better be the person that I am already inside…. throughout my day. The result, down the road, is the re-emergence of joy and peace in my mind. I have missed it and making the decisions that I have has already returned it.

The prayer (or prayers) will help remind me that this is a process. I am in need of help whether outwardly or within. The only important point I need to remember is to shift the priority and seek or accept that help. With it I am stronger and with strength I am more likely to stop feeling the pieces of helplessness, anger, frustration and fear that expectations and self will provide me. They are guaranteed… take a look around.

In the St. Francis prayer there is a line at the end that says “… and it is in dying that we are born into eternal life…” this is not about “dying” as much as it is about surrender. The death of something to accept the birth of something else. I am accepting the death of something within me in order to allow for the fresh start of something more powerful and fulfilling. It doesn’t matter if I’ve done this before. It doesn’t matter if I do not succeed immediately. The results are not mine to decide… that is one of the biggest points behind letting go of self-will.

The most important thing that I can note out of this is that my life will change. Change is what I have been craving. I have been trying to create the change and the answer for the change has been letting go of the result. I am done and I am ready. Bring it on.

Be Happy. Be Well. Be.