From: JUNE 19TH, 2002:
There is a pressure building in my soul. I feel tense and very tired of late because I am being overwhelmed more and more by a certain factor in my life. I have often talked about the importance of balance and it would seem (in certain moments) that I am somehow losing the very core of what makes my life work. When I look at situations like this I try and stop and look at the world in perspective. No matter what it is that seems to be overwhelming will not last... I must remember that. One of the main points I have always had proven to me (again and again and again) is that EVERYTHING passes. So in writing about this feeling of pressure and overwhelm I am doing my very best to combat that all familiar notion that whatever it is I am feeling is either not going to stop or never going to go away. Balance is about the world being split in an even way that doesn't put too much of any one thing into focus for too long. When one works in the corporate world it is hard to avoid the imbalance of the expectations. I have tried to do my 110% best in everything that I partake in here at the office... but it is difficult when they continually ask for more. When I feel that everything that I am doing, saying, thinking and being is directed to or about the world of work (or any other aspect for that matter) the balance is obviously off. Lately I have been sleeping badly and thinking constantly about all the many things that I am supposed to be doing with my work. It is obvious to me that I am working too much and there needs to be a break very soon. NOW... it becomes about how I take that break and why it is I always seem to turn into a drama queen by wanting to make it a permanent one. Again I remind myself that breathing is the most important function I can remember for this and any other day (it’s easy and cheap too). I must relax... and if I need to do a mantra about HOW to relax, so be it. So as this week begins to move on and the pressures SEEM to be mounting I stop, I breathe and I ask myself why I am allowing this to happen. Perhaps now I will be able to begin sliding back down to a place of comfort. It was, after all, ME who moved away in the first place. |
From: JUNE 12TH, 2002:
There is nothing in the world like a chocolate high. YES, ladies and gentlemen... I reminded myself of the joys of a good blast of pure cocoa sugar. Sugar is a weakness, my friends AND when I find myself in denial of its strengths (even though I am well aware of its detriments...) I am often in a state of confusion or CRAVING (nay... NEED) of its POWER. Life is short, kids and there are few things that really make the body REALLY calm itself down. YESTERDAY I was in a state of confusion and question. What did I forget? I forgot that I could eat a freaking chocolate bar and calm my ass down. Today was a different story. For one thing it was a day past the crescendo of DOOM and GLOOM. I admit it... every so often I find myself in a slight tizzy or panic feeling that the world is caving in and forgetting (for short periods of time) that there is always hope. Ideally I am fully aware that the world is FILLED with hope. In theory I am always in the knowledge that whatever is happening will pass. BUT... I am also human and we mere beings have lapses of sanity and any semblance of order. Monday I wanted to pack it all in and run for the hills. Tuesday I was able to begin laughing at the foibles that are my mini-dramas. Now here it is Wednesday and I am on to the grand schemes and positive plateaus that await me. One has to wonder if there are cycles in the mind of men that run up and down like that roller coaster ride I talk about so often. Are we mentally capable of collapse EVEN when we are aware it is happening? Is it possible that the lows MUST occur in order to re-establish the highs? Sometimes I feel that I go to some of the darker places ONLY to make sure that I remember that life is a lesson and there are things to work upon. The constant work and collection of those thoughts that I am forever gathering answers for are part of (if not the entire) process by which this over-active mind is keeping young. Hey... a little serenity goes a LONG way... but let's face it... some of us have to WORK for that serenity. |
From: MAY 25TH, 2002:
Go on be happy. I heard that yesterday on a soap opera. It got me to thinking. Is it that simple for the human mind to be what we want to be? Does that mean that this sort of feeling or emotion can be turned off and on like a switch? What does it mean for those who are not able to flip that signal? Are some more talented than others? Could it be that they simply do NOT want to be happy in the first place? Being happy sounds like such a good plan in theory. I, myself enjoy the concept of happiness enormously. Let's face it... being happy sure beats the pants off of the opposite and obviously less appealing emotion. When I am happy it would seem that I enjoy the moments that I am always told to live in. It is a great deal easier to enjoy time spent when pleased with what is around and within. When I am happy I tend to be more receptive and outgoing to those around me.... something about unhappiness has a way of making a person sullen and unsociable. What about those who don't want to be happy... are we to assume that they are lost? How do we know that it makes people happy NOT to be happy? Now there is a confusing conundrum... I know people who love to be miserable. They live for the frown and the nasty comment or evil glare. So happiness, I suppose, like beauty is in the eye of the beholder. The one irony about happiness and its opposite is the dichotomy that I have discovered over the years. Have you ever noticed that turning on the switch to a place of happiness is far more difficult than finding the means to move into sadness or fear? Pity, isn't it? The negative should be such a cinch to visit and often inhabit for long periods of time... and yet the happiness would seem to require that we are rewarded with something, somebody, or some wave or glow that isn't always the variety that comes from the suggestion of another. "Go on, be happy!" This is a test for the ages... can you do it? Are you having a good day? Do you know why? Are you happy? If not... could you be that way upon suggestion? I bet you could if you knew how much power you had over your own life. This week I am going to talk about that power. WHY? Because it makes me happy. |
From: MAY 07TH, 2002:
Yesterday I was inspired in a letter I wrote to a good friend. Yes, sometimes just the simple act of writing can bring out thoughts I knew were there but somehow didn't seem to find their way out otherwise. Perhaps that is why I write as much as I do. I found myself talking about the world that is in front of me and how much I feel that there is change afoot. This, for anyone who knows me, is not necessarily an unusual feeling for me. In the last 11 years especially I have found myself in ever-increasing places of growth as though I were walking up a staircase towards the best possible destination. Fortunately I still have relatively no idea what is waiting for me at that destination. I suppose if I did I would find myself let down by either expectation or the fear of actually reaching the goal and having nowhere else to go. The staircase I pursue seems to be an easy path with marked and padded steps. I am steadily ascending it and can see some of the steps that lie awaiting ahead of me. Above that, however, is a fine, clean layer of smoke or mist that disguises the destination. As I reach that level the mist rises appropriately ahead of me. It is best this way. With my goal clear but open to interpretation and change I am able to discover daily and sometimes even moment-by-moment, that the world is filled with surprises. These gifts are only negative if I assign them that role. I am unable to stop doing that from time to time but even they don't last with this higher state of being... because I can and often do now recognize my mistake and make the amends. I am on a specific journey at this point in my life. I know suddenly that there are changes that must be made BY ME in order for some of the wonderful future adventures to start unfolding. It is as though they have been waiting for me to see what I am supposed to do. It is as though I have suddenly figured out a piece of this puzzle. It isn't as though the path is now golden and easily traveled. That wouldn't benefit me in the least. I accept and request the challenges because it is the bumps in the road that keep me aware and learning about what is ahead. The days that are in front of me will be different because I will be different. It is necessary. It is time. |
From: MARCH 27TH, 2002:
Whether we like to admit it or not our lives are filled with rituals. I have so many that I probably couldn't even list them all in one sitting. They vary from the places I like to eat to the patterns by which I organize certain aspects and duties that I do within my job. Do I like the rituals? Yes and no. I like them because they are a solid representation of familiarity. They tend to give the appearance of making one's life easier and more manageable. Truth be told that is exactly what the ritual will accomplish. Everything is cut and dry. The drive home is done in the catatonic state; the morning coffee is brewed in the same pot on the same burner. Ask me again if I like rituals. NO. Why the change in answers? More than likely because there are two sides to the personality that I drag around with me from day to day in the world. ONE is the guy that would prefer that things come quickly and easily, a blessing when the rituals of life are intact and fluent. The other is the man that wonders if some of these rituals are possibly the bane of an existence that thrives primarily on the heels of change and challenge. But change and challenge are not the friends of ritual. If I were to expect a ritual to commence and find that there are differences confronting me that make what I perceive as normal become impossible I am no longer in a ritual but instead become challenged to work my way through to the solution of whatever it is that I had planned on doing in the first place. Being that I am ultimately rather human I am going to (hopefully) rise to the challenge at hand, arrive at the solution necessary and, in essence, create for myself a brand NEW ritual by which the whole process will have begun one more time. This morning when I arose from my bed at the tone of the alarm at the very same time that I rise every morning that the corporate world beckons I stared out my window while ritualistically gulping my 1.5 liter bottle of water right before my shower and directly after my workout. I wondered as I drank and stared how long this ritual would remain in my life. Is it something that will press on for years, as it seems to already have done? Will I continue to wonder this very thought each morning as it presses on? OR will some challenge or change come about suddenly and fortuitously to challenge me or bless me with a new ritual... which if I think about it would more than likely be the exact same process at a different time of the morning before a different destination. So the rituals are not going to go away. Perhaps the goal is to vary them, shift them, blend them, combine them, and allow them to become creative within themselves. Hey... come to think of it writing this entry was nothing more than a ritual in itself. It would appear then that I actually DO enjoy the ritual to some extent. |
From: MARCH 26TH, 2002:
As I heave that all familiar Tuesday sigh of relief I thought I would talk about the breathing that I do throughout the day in order to orchestrate better moods and health and far less drama. Is that possible? Absolutely. I began to learn about the power of deep breathing (or simply the concept of being conscious of the breathing that I am doing) when I was changing habits and patterns in behavior in order to better structure a character for myself that I could genuinely grow fond of and build esteem around. There were days for many years of my life that this defaulted life affirming activity was occurring but not necessarily a part of the process by which I was actually structuring the path I have been put on. It just happened. It isn't as though the discovery of control has changed my life because it isn't something that I make a habit of ordering about throughout the day. I need for the breathing process to be as natural as the blood flowing through my veins. What I do dictate, however, through practice and process is going to breathing exercises once I have arrived in places that would normally be a deterrent to the goal of happiness and level of serenity that I have learned to understand is mine for the asking with only the desire that it be there. Once upon a time the world was out to get me. With the mindset of defense a soul will spend the day protecting themselves from the onslaught of every aspect of their environment. By learning new patterns I am not stopping what will happen around me no matter what I do, say, think, believe, or desire, I am instead learning to react in different ways or actually not react at all. By conditioning myself in meditations and quiet places and moments that I am able to lower blood pressure and stress levels I am taking a step towards an enlightenment of moments that I had never been able to grasp much less enjoy in the past. In certain situations of life (such as a job in the corporate world) I have found it necessary to allow myself moments throughout even the busiest of days to center and proclaim the importance of breathing for better moods and thought processes. When things happen (and they will) that are out of the blue or in some way less than what you would like to see them be, the process of taking a breath and allowing the moment to help you understand what is and is not important gives the brain enough time to process a reaction (or lack thereof) that will undoubtedly be to your benefit. Today I am conscious of the breathing I do and as a result I am able to be and feel better about everything and everyone around me. Take a breath... |
From: JANUARY 18TH, 2002:
To complete a week full of analogies regarding the place I find myself in the world at the moment I thought it appropriate to talk about Fog. According to my favorite astrologer I am going to be feeling as though I am "in" it for most of the month of January. The trouble with fog, he said, was the way that it obstructs the view of things in front of us, around us, and in my case... ahead of us. As a Pisces it would seem that I am blessed with the creative prowess of an over-active imagination that provides answers for things that remain unseen. While in the FOG that might tend to become problematic. Why? Because what is happening is simple... I am deciding on my own, out of not being able to see, what it is that I will end up confronting when the fog begins to lift. It isn't as though I am a negative thinker creating scenarios that spell doom and gloom (at least not all of the time.) And when that DOES occur I am quick to correct myself and remind the creative source that there is no proof that that particular finish AND that all I am spelling out is the fears that failure or disappointment having been waiting all along. It would seem that I have been in this fog throughout the beginning of this New Year. I have been mired in its thickness and confused at its meaning. I am finding myself curious as to when it is going to end and what it is that will be there when it begins to clear around me. Am I afraid? For the most part I am not... because the intuitive part of my being has been heralding a change for the better for some time now. It is not in my nature to grasp and befriend the concept of patience so the fog can be what appears to be a deterrent to the progress I am expecting or hoping for. It isn't. What the fog actually represents is the period of time that I am being prepared for the eventual outcome of whatever is there for me to see, feel, hear, or experience. With each new day as this month continues I am learning a bit more about what I am going to discover for myself outside of the fog...the education is necessary even on the days when I don't feel that I even want to be taking the class any longer. I know the fog will lift and when it does I am going to be glad that I am where I am and grateful for the things that occurred on my way to that point. The most important thing about the FOG analogy is the part that was not lost on me from the moment it was presented. Fog is a big part of my favorite place on earth, London. It almost seems to me that this is a sign to understand that the fog that I will sometimes feel does not mean in the least that I am not where I am supposed to or WANT to be. |
From: JANUARY 17TH, 2002:
I am walking through mud. It is thick and it feels as though it is slowing the pace of my progress towards the goal. What is the goal? Good question. It would seem that there are always goals... a plethora of things to focus upon. Do I reach them? Almost always. Do they happen within the time frame that may have been set upon within the confines of this goal-oriented, obsessive-compulsive mind? Rarely. The mud is messy but not thick enough to stop my feet from moving. During my day I trudge through this mess while looking for all or any signs that I could be coming towards the end of the current 'puddle' (so to speak). Once on dry land I am often in a place of euphoria and rest. I realize accomplishment and I am able to concentrate on the fruits of an arduous journey and contemplate the path that was taken while making the slow move towards the shore. It is important that I keep in mind that the mud I walk through is not a detriment to my progress, but a reminder that all things worth the achievement are also worth the work to get there. Then I should recall gratitude for the “boots” and protection that I am provided with while taking the trudge in the first place. Almost all of the mud that I find myself in is of my own choice. It is parts of a path that would hardly feel worthwhile were it not for the challenges that the mud and the paths provide. While moving slowly through the mess, however, I will often find myself in places that are hardly what I would refer to as noble or brave. I want to complain. I want to feel sorry for myself. I want to look at the paths others are taking or have taken and compare myself directly to their experience as if it should have been my own. It is all my choice to travel through life as I do. Perhaps the choice is not the situation that warrants the path, but always the decision of which path I will proceed upon. I am not forced to move through my puddles because of life, instead I would suggest that it is life that gives me the impetus to choose each and every puddle. Mud may seem like the enemy... a deterrent to happiness or the very progress I speak of in the quest for the goals I so desire. This is simply not true. The mud represents the very core of what gives me the experience that allows each and every path I am going to take in the future to be a little bit easier and a little more understandable. The mud is my spiritual center... even on the days that I wish I were relaxing on dry land and finding myself with current proof that goals are obtainable. My world has been muddy lately, but I am not complaining... I know that there will be triumph and rest very soon. When I get there I will undoubtedly be looking for the next puddle. In the meantime I will remind myself to be grateful for the days I learn... and in this life that has been each and every day. |
From: JANUARY 16TH, 2002:
If we look hard enough there is an analogy for anything that we choose. There are times that I find myself feeling that the world around me is just never going to change. It feels stagnant and lonely, empty and hopeless. Granted that sort of fear-laden thought process is not overwhelming and will normally last for moments at a time, but the fact that they will cross my consciousness at all gives me pause to consider that this is not my reality AT ALL. The most important thing that I should remember when I am feeling those moments of desolation (and they are almost always connected with a job that doesn't fulfill me creatively and humanly) is that everything passes. I have taken that phrase and written it a hundred times. I have used it as a mantra and allowed it to echo through my brain as I start to smile. In the past I have had the times of life that FELT like they would never change. Troubled times are often the ones that we seem to feel the most trapped in. They are so because they are uncomfortable and undesirable. BUT the troubled times are nowhere near as dramatic and lengthy without the willingness of those involved. In other words it is still up to ME whether or not I am going to take a fleeting thought and turn it into a reality. Thus my analogy: Yesterday I found myself sitting in my office wondering if the work I am doing literally day and night in and out of this particular placement are ever going to create the moves and advances in focus (or perhaps some I don't even know exist). The answer is a resounding YES. First and foremost without the KNOWLEDGE that something is going to be a reality I am, in essence, allowing myself to create an opposite and negative reality. So then I might ask myself WHEN something is going to happen and the answer comes back: When it is time. Have you ever awakened in the middle of the night to darkness and complete silence and found yourself unable to go to sleep. It feels as though nothing is happening and the time is stretching out endlessly. For those moments it could actually feel as though the world were simply not going to ever be any different. WE KNOW, however, that this is not the case. WE KNOW that the morning will arrive and with it the noises, activities and events of the day ahead. I suppose that this DESIRE I have for the new day is matched ONLY by my inability to sleep and enjoy the moments that lead up to it. It is time for me to relax and stop anticipation (read: expectation) of the changes that will happen automatically. Change is life. Today is a day of relaxation and acceptance. With that in mind I might be able to find myself more rested and mentally READY for the activities that will abound in the changes that lie ahead. |
From: DECEMBER 28TH, 2001:
Life is short even if it feels like it is long at times. Isn't it funny how we can literally watch the years fly by in front of our own eyes much quicker as we get a bit older? Perhaps funny isn't the right choice of words for that phenomenon. All I know is that I am continually looking at what is going to happen in my life that I am still, at the age of 43, forgetting to look at what is smack dab in front of me. There is no doubt in my mind that the future is important. There is no doubt that I want to continue learning, growing, changing, progressing, and enjoying in what lies ahead. What is more important, however, is that I take a firm, hard look at the moment that is happening for me RIGHT NOW. Why? Because it is easier to understand what gratitude is all about when you are not looking at what you want or need. Even in the moments that aren't fulfilling the needs that you are pursuing... there is ALWAYS going to be the things that you already have and may be taking for granted. Why is it that gratitude is looked upon as unrealistic in a materialistic world? If one is filled with gratitude it is almost looked down upon as though it is corny. Granted, it is a bit sugary. It gives one the picture of the happy crowds gathered around in the Bailey home pouring their hard earned money into a bowl on a table to save the Savings and Loan for good old George. Simply your gratitude and make it a part of the thought process that is involved with your goals. NOT ONLY will that give you the strength to continue on that path, but it will minimize the expectation about what lies ahead by reminding you that what is already there is a great lot. Gratitude is a humbling aspect of the human personality. It is an ingredient that is necessary in the recipe for both happiness and success in this life. Have you ever noticed that a great percentage of successful people are not necessarily fulfilled in their life? Have you ever noticed how some people who live in the gratitude of whatever they may have, however small or meager, are often happier because they have not tasted the result of forgetting about gratitude? A new year is approaching swiftly. Yes, soon after I will have another birthday... but my first gratitude is simple. I am happy that I have the opportunity to grow and learn day by day. It is a blessing when I see, hear, and experience the alternative around me. Have a wonderful Friday and know what you have is all good. |
From: DECEMBER 19TH, 2001:
Wednesday's child is full of WOE. Doesn't that sound ominous? Doesn't that ring with a pathetic tone? First let's look at the dictionary definition: a state of deep sorrow or grief. How sad is that? Considering I was born on Wednesday (Ash Wednesday to be exact... the beginning of Lent.. talk about WOE) I am beginning to see why a good deal of my life has been the classic struggle between negative and positive. WOE IS ME. I am sensing a bad rap here. Perhaps I should retain a lawyer and sue Mother Goose? I could claim compensatory psychological damages due to the negative nature of the poem's claim for those born on Wednesdays. The trouble with that line of thinking could be the irony in such a woeful act. Is Wednesday's child a victim? Are they a martyr known for fielding and possessing the problems of the world? I think not, that would be too much work for me. Today I shall speak (yes my tongue is firmly planted in my cheek) on behalf of all the good Wednesday's children around the world. We are a good lot. Perhaps there is a modicum of truth to the WOE statement so carelessly thrown out by some silly old lady who was quite obviously basing her judgments on a past relationship with some very sad man born on a Wednesday. UNITE MY WEDNESDAY BRETHERN. I ask that we prove to the world that those with the foresight to have entered this mortal coil in the middle of an existing week prove to the world that we are as happy, positive, and graceful as those born on the rest of the week. I might even go as far as to suggest that we are the day that takes the qualities of ALL six other birthdays and combines them to exhilarating effect. This, however, must play a downside, as it can become a bit overwhelming and a bit of a responsibility. Thus the woe begins. But FILLED with woe? I think not. If anything the woe is much like the icing on the cake... the cake, of course, being the grand and glorious pieces of what fills a Wednesday child with their wit, charm, creativity, and massive talents. One other thing about a child of Wednesday... we tend to be a little stubborn and perhaps a slight bit defensive when told we are filled with woe. I don’t suppose you noticed that… Have a wonderful Wednesday! |
From: NOVEMBER 20TH, 2001:
Ticking away the hours that make up a dull day... you fritter and waste the hours in an off-hand way. Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown. Waiting for someone or something to show you the way. Tired of lying in the sunshine, staying home to watch the rain. You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today. And then one day you find ten years have got behind you no one told you when to run. You missed the starting gun. So you RUN and you RUN to catch up with the sun but it's sinking. Racing around to come up behind you again. The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older, shorter of breath and one day closer to death. Every year is getting shorter never seem to find the time. Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines. Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way. The TIME is gone, the song is over... thought I’d something more to say...
Above is a Pink Floyd classic that describes what many of us could be feeling in part or in total as the years start to fly by. I was inspired to write about the passage of time today by a good friend. I had been thinking about it a lot lately myself. Am I racing to meet some deadline that I have designed for myself? And why should I do so when the most appropriate description of our total experience is John Lennon's quote "life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans." I am not afraid of time. I have, however, figured out that it moves a great deal swifter with its own passage. The older I get the more I seem to realize that time is a rare and precious commodity. There are days when we might find ourselves in situations that are not what we would best prescribe for ourselves. I have always been intrigued with the FACT that I am here on this earth (in this body) for only ONE chance at a life. What I do with it is entirely up to me AND what comes from those decisions are what will be left behind as a legacy to my having been here at all. Life is full of puzzles, time being one of the greatest to 'solve'. The twist in that game could very well be in NOT trying to solve it at all, but to simply allow the passage to happen with grace, acceptance, and a heart that is eager to learn and grow. It seems like yesterday that I was a kid with an invincible attitude (no, I will not break into a Paul McCartney song...) Today the time has weathered me... it has beaten me... it has taught me... it has kissed me... and I am STILL a kid who thinks he is invincible. That, my friends is a solid acceptance of myself IN time. Well... would you look at the time! I had better go and grab a bit more of whatever makes me happy out there. It's about time, don't you think? |
From: NOVEMBER 02ND, 2001:
They say that patience is a virtue. I would have to agree with that. My problem would have to be that I am not always a virtuous soul. And I am not always patient either. I have an image of what I want my life to be. I am not foolish enough to believe that things will be exactly as I would wish, I know better. I am also aware of the problems and downfalls of expectations. The mind remains open and the path becomes wider. But I am still not always patient. There are times on this path that I look at what my world consists of and I wonder why I find myself too busy to push forward with some of the more important things I hold dear on my roster. Am I afraid? Do I expect that the promises of a lifetime will be delivered rather than obtained? What would I be afraid OF? Failure? Success? My life has been filled with attempts and mixed with the failures and successes that are natural in the progression towards any destiny. I keep learning. Then there are days that I feel that I am in a battle. It becomes all about the negatives versus the positives. The front line is my over-thinking and far too stimulated brain. Currently our world is filled with the images and statements of fear. A great many of these fears are dressed up as warnings and hypothetical situations. Whatever purpose they carry, they are fear nonetheless. The battle ensues. I begin to focus on the matters at hand. Why am I not selling my book? Why am I not finding a more passionate career? Why do I cry at night? Is it stress? Is it frustration? Am I having a breakdown? Or is this about the fears that we take in and sometime don't process. I work through this at night and I write it all down. I am in touch and I am aware. I become one with the goal and the solution and I am off to another day in the world. 9 out of 10 days the process is one of working and succeeding towards the positive, as long as I remember to be patient. So here I am back with the virtue that will allow for the MOST progress. Patience does not indicate passivity. Patience is not about being weak. Patience is a strength that is designed to ease the effect of the world around you and how you digest it all. If I remember that everything happens for a reason I seem to grasp the concept. If I know that anything is possible and I am creating the results through my reactions, a smile comes to my face. Today the patience is back and I am feeling the world is working in my favor... but then... today is Friday. ENJOY yours thoroughly and patiently |
From: AUGUST 16TH, 2001:
One of life's most annoying ironies is the push and pull that we feel inside when change is desired. The impetus for me is always a combination of the constant need to grow and the stagnancy caused by what I believe to be the inability to do so. Change, as we all either know or SHOULD know is inevitable. No matter how much one might try to fight it in relationships, jobs, or the aging process it is happening every moment we are here. It was when I discovered the comforting feeling of embracing the NEED and desire for what was bound to happen anyway that it began to be something I not only expected, but wanted as well. The trick for me was not to just wait for the changes to come TO me, however, but to go out and meet them or in some cases hunt them down. This is the idea behind the change gauge. I find myself in a place that isn't challenging me and I know that it is up to me to make sure that my feelings about what is necessary for my life are met. I can voice them to those around me or silently seek the differences on my own. The irony I spoke of earlier is one that still manages to plague me to some extent. It is a character blip that I am slowly becoming aware of and easily finding the willingness to alter. Whereas the need for a challenge is obvious to me, the fear within that the challenge might not be able to be met is still alive. Call it a tug of war, call it stage fright, call it simple performance anxiety... whatever it is called it is all about esteem and faith and the inner fears of success AND failure. If I am going find my way to the happiness that I am always seeking (and that is by no means a statement by which I am claiming not to have it with me NOW) I must trust in the future and whatever it holds for me. The fact that a soul takes risks is a guarantee of success in its purest form... having tried is akin to saying it is the journey and NOT the destination. It is most valuable to take the actions towards change and learning and sometimes having done so will bring you to places you never knew you were capable of. It is fear squashing and liberating. Even the concept of failure has a different connotation within the boundaries of innocent spirit in risk taking. To fail means only to have tried and learned that something did not work. That something in the grand scheme was not meant to be. The trick from that point being that you must rise to another challenge and meet the changes head on in a different way. So these ironies of which I speak are another mountain to climb on the path, but all in all... we all know the exercise is good for us. Have a GREAT Thursday and enjoy your challenges!! |
From: JULY 31ST, 2001:
I have often spoken of life stages in this journal. Today I am going to expand that notion a bit further in a way that only a MONDAY would inspire. Right about now you are asking yourself why I might be inspired by Monday on Tuesday, allow me to explain: I am currently inflicted by a temporary disease in life called the corporate world. Each Monday I go through the cycle of doldrums and pit level gloom that is akin to the day after Christmas as a child. In understanding that the Monday syndrome will pass in time as everything does, I have decided to create my own entertainment industry analogy to illustrate the point I am trying to provide. If I were a character actor... a man of the stage perhaps, I would be able to move from one ROLE to another and be able to create new and different phases of my life as I go. The truth of the matter is that we actually ARE the actors and our lives are the stage that we create these characters upon. Currently I am in a role that I have taken much further than I had anticipated. I have learned from it, I have grown and changed in many ways. There comes a time, however, when an actor must make the decision to move on to another role. A challenge is in order. There is, of course, the risk involved when an actor leaves a successful role. What if the next role is not as lucrative? What if the show one decides to move onto is less successful? What if there isn't a show to go to right away and there is that gap between roles that spells trouble for the actor's esteem? These are all lessons that are character building and useful for the roles that will be assumed in further stages taken on the path. The trick for an actor is to know when it is time to go. The intuitive feeling he or she feels when there is no longer a joy in the daily creation of the character one inhabits. Here is the key to looking at the life you are living as roles that are being created by the actor within: KNOW that a role is seldom played for an entire lifetime. KNOW that the world is full of other opportunities for a character actor. NOT everything is a starring role, not all roles are meant to be famous. Remember that the role is only as good as it feels within you and the performance is based on the joy of being that character. I am currently in a role that is no longer bringing me the joys that it once did (if only in the challenges it provided). I am auditioning for the next role in my world. I am doing so by being the best that I can be and allowing the world to see me warts and all. It is the best means of achieving an ultimate character... or at least a role that will take you into the next fulfilling stage of this life. On this Tuesday I am setting the stage for a new act… and it is entirely possible this could be my biggest break yet. |
From: JUNE 07TH, 2001:
Today I say a prayer for my father. In what would seem (to me) to be one of those things that happen to other people, my father is having bypass surgery today. In the modern world I suspect that this is about the best thing that could happen under the circumstance. In other words there is no sense in being anything BUT positive about this. It is hard to avoid getting older. When things like this are forefront on a personal landscape the concept of mortality is a hard one to avoid. Am I afraid of the inevitable? Not at all. There are parts or pieces of me that might admit to feeling fear in regard to HOW I might move on to the next plane... but it would negate the point of being alive to sit around in FEAR of that sort of thing. Each day I think about the lessons that are being taught and what part they are to play in the puzzle that is going to be a complete picture on the day of my death. Some may say that there is no complete picture for those who die young, or suddenly, or tragically. I disagree. I believe we all move on when it is our time to do so. By that theory I would have to expand and say that if it IS my time that would be a solid indication that my picture is complete however it may appear to others around me. While I am here I am going to do my best to do and be all the things that I feel are a part of this puzzle. I am going to put the pieces in bit by bit in order to attempt to create the picture of a puzzle that I envision. The fact is that the picture that is there when we pass may NOT be the one that we thought it would be, but that doesn't mean it is incomplete, it means only that it is different. Why should I be afraid of dying when the truth is that I spend more time being afraid of being alive? It does make a lot of sense that people would equate death with loss considering they are losing someone that they know and love in their lifetime. It is not going to change the primary fact of life. SO... by accepting and grasping the truths that are there, I am allowing for the fear to subside. THAT does not mean that I am giving up on my life OR anyone else's. It means only that I am admitting no control over any of it. Today I am very much alive. That is the focus that I will hold and cherish and share with my father. For all others: It's Thursday, go on out and LIVE it. |
From: MAY 01ST, 2001:
Yesterday I began talking about walking through fear. This is something that is far easier in theory than in practice. The point that I have been trying to make here in this journal, however, is precisely about practice. If I am going to live in fear I am stunting my own growth and potential as a human being. Each person has the right to fulfill a destiny and achieve his or her highest goals. This could be interpreted in many ways considering that if we ARE on predestined paths it could be said that the things you have done were the most that could have been. I agree, and I disagree. For as much as I believe that my life is a path and I am walking down it, I also feel that there are many aspects of that path that I am choosing, steering, or avoiding. This is about fear. There are many things that I grew up feeling that I wanted to do. When we are kids our plans and goals are special and large. The problems that occur in life are established by environment and circumstance, but can and often are changed in many people by walking through hardships and fears and finding out what is offered on the other side. The fact that I hid behind my fears for many years may have in some way impeded the swiftness that my goals are to be met, but that doesn't mean that they will never happen. My path is one that has taken specific turns and hit several bumps all in order for me to find the answers that were necessary for me to achieve the things I have thus far. There is more for me and I am going to do my best to be a part of the decision-making and action process that is absolutely necessary to make those goals occur. I believe in myself and the things that I am doing for my life. This in and of itself is a far cry from the truth of my not too distant past. It is a step in the right direction and a success story of conquering fear. As I always state here the process of creating habits and changing one's character comes from awareness, willingness, conscious choices and action. I am willing to make mistakes and happy to learn through the trials. It has been my experience that each one has become a credit for my progress down the road. Walking through a fear should be akin to accepting any challenge. Think about the feelings this gives you and the choice may not be so hard. There is no comparison to the feelings of fear and its smashing. It's Tuesday. Pick a fear today and conquer it. |
From: APRIL 11TH, 2001:
How do you define your own success? Begin by defining the word. What is success to you? Is it about the car you drive or the money in your bank account? Is it how many people answer to you or how many want to be in your life? All of these are good examples of certain types of success. Actually they are more the benefit success will bring you. They are not, however, the ONLY type of success that need to be described or LIVED. My life has been a series of successes. Each day is marked by lessons and landmarks of growth and change each one a success in the process as well as the outcome. There is the success of esteem that is built over the years and maintained only a daily basis through the way that a person treats themselves and others. There are the successes of trying and believing in the things you do in your world, no matter what those things are. Success comes in the form of atmosphere and attitude. Do people want to be around me? Do they want to ask my advice or show me something they've successfully done themselves? I define success in the same terms as I do happiness. It is a product of the best parts of my soul. The more that I put into anything I do for the RIGHT reasons, the more I will end up getting out of it for the same. The end result is always successful EVEN when the expectation may have been something else. When something is in aim as a goal and is not achieved that does not have to be an indication of failure. The process of action and willingness, motive and whatever you've learned while on route is the success you were meant to have learned while going for that goal. I spent many years believing I was not going to be successful in my life. Those were years that I was misinformed as to the correct meaning of the word. I am successful every day. My successes are allowing me to achieve and believe in further successes. The most important thing that I could have possibly realized in the process of changing my character is that success makes me happy. It is esteem building and without a doubt a huge piece of the big picture I hold as MY goal while I am here. Today I am successful by doing what I am supposed to do AS WELL AS what I want to do. I am successful for trying my best at it all. Good enough? ALWAYS! Have a successful Wednesday! |
From: APRIL 10th, 2001:
Long lives the creative soul! There is something about the day that I create that makes it easier to go to sleep at night. Every single one of us out there is creative. There are no exceptions. The problem might be that most do not utilize their creativity. Most don't even believe they have it. To ask a person who is more 'technical' to be creative and they would probably look at you as though you were nuts. (Since we all know that the creative soul IS somewhat nuts, there is nothing wrong with that!) The truth is that even the most technical or clinical of activities can be done with creativity. To be creative is NOT only to say that you do it with a pen, a brush, a camera, or a song. To be creative is to establish style and stray from the norm. It is to dare to be different and adventure into unknown territories EVEN IF others have discovered those territories in the past. It is a personal trip that can only bring you into an esteem base that you may not have otherwise known was available to you in the first place. That is the point. We create to be different. We created to be individual. We created what gives us pause, what inspires us, what we believe in, what we are passionate about. Each and every one of us is creating during our waking hours and dreaming of our creations past, present, and future in our sleep. Those who write an essay, plant a garden, act in a play, or endeavor to do something routine in a different way are ALL creating the world that they live in. They are changing something for themselves and possibly for others as well. Each day It is my duty to myself to create a balance between the things that are expected of me and the things that make me tick. When I have created, however, there is a sense of fulfillment and accomplishment the likes of which cannot be equaled. I am a creator because I want to share what I do with the world, but more importantly I am a creator simply because I attempt to create. Everyone has the power to attempt and the creative soul within him or her to allow it to happen. It is a door to a different way of looking at absolutely everything...most importantly who YOU are. Have a happy Tuesday and CREATE something today. |
From: MARCH 04th, 2001:
It is actually rather surprising to me of late just how little fear I am feeling. There is so much positive happening in my life and the reminder of all that is good comes to me every day as I write in this journal as well as in all the other places I leave my words. The next couple of weeks are going to be very different in some aspects and somewhat challenging as a result. This is a good thing for me. I am learning more and more as time goes on just how much I am capable of and as a result I am becoming more proud of the person I have become. The icing on that cake is simple: I am nowhere near finished and the next several months are going to represent the biggest shifts of all in my life. I do not say for a moment that fear is not going to revisit me in another form or a higher level as I am stepping up the ladder in my life. Fear is a constant for us humans. What is happening for me is the mere shift in the sensibility and nature of my reactions to the things that would paralyze me in the past and leave me stranded in my own created bleakness, unable and unwilling to believe enough in myself to take the necessary actions to change. That is the past welcome to the now. Today is about dealing with everything that is put to me in order to strive to achieve the goals that I am now setting forth for myself. The very thought that I am setting these goals is a huge difference from the days of low esteem. I am positive that the world is going to open wide and I am going to embrace it. I am positive that I am going to open wide and the world is going to embrace me. To an extent that is already beginning to happen. The truth is it could happen for anyone with the proper mix of willingness and motivation. This is my life. This is what I want to do with it. Becoming a person that people can respect and admire. What a goal! I am no longer in fear of losing at any point because of being human or not having enough talent or spunk. I learned a secret somewhere along the line that told me that we ALL have the potential to be whatever we want. I learned that we are ALL talented. The difference is that I am starting to listen and believe. On this SOUL day I hope for you all to feel your own potentials and then to act upon them. |
From: MARCH 04th, 2001:
It is actually rather surprising to me of late just how little fear I am feeling. There is so much positive happening in my life and the reminder of all that is good comes to me every day as I write in this journal as well as in all the other places I leave my words. The next couple of weeks are going to be very different in some aspects and somewhat challenging as a result. This is a good thing for me. I am learning more and more as time goes on just how much I am capable of and as a result I am becoming more proud of the person I have become. The icing on that cake is simple: I am nowhere near finished and the next several months are going to represent the biggest shifts of all in my life. I do not say for a moment that fear is not going to revisit me in another form or a higher level as I am stepping up the ladder in my life. Fear is a constant for us humans. What is happening for me is the mere shift in the sensibility and nature of my reactions to the things that would paralyze me in the past and leave me stranded in my own created bleakness, unable and unwilling to believe enough in myself to take the necessary actions to change. That is the past welcome to the now. Today is about dealing with everything that is put to me in order to strive to achieve the goals that I am now setting forth for myself. The very thought that I am setting these goals is a huge difference from the days of low esteem. I am positive that the world is going to open wide and I am going to embrace it. I am positive that I am going to open wide and the world is going to embrace me. To an extent that is already beginning to happen. The truth is it could happen for anyone with the proper mix of willingness and motivation. This is my life. This is what I want to do with it. Becoming a person that people can respect and admire. What a goal! I am no longer in fear of losing at any point because of being human or not having enough talent or spunk. I learned a secret somewhere along the line that told me that we ALL have the potential to be whatever we want. I learned that we are ALL talented. The difference is that I am starting to listen and believe. On this SOUL day I hope for you all to feel your own potentials and then to act upon them. |
From: FEB 27th, 2001:
Yesterday was a Monday like we often feel the definition to be. I was in a place that I don't go to as often anymore in my life. The difference about my having gone there yesterday and in the past is huge. Today I am going to discuss that difference. In a world of positives one must remember that negative does not completely go away. In a personality of good moods and high spirits, the lows are going to visit. The distinction is in how we react to and what we do about the lows that visit. For instance: when I began to feel despondency yesterday for the various reasons that I did (fill in your reasons here, for they are not the important thing) I did something INSTEAD of falling into self-pity. I took action. Instead of taking away my hope and feelings of faith, I grabbed a hold of the things that were sending me to places I don't like to visit the way I used to and created the means by which I could learn why they were visiting. Eventually down the road we are more than likely going to find out why things are occurring in our lives anyway, why not sooner? The awareness that the things getting me down were temporary is a strong argument for positive thinking. Understanding that being in a non-positive place every so often does not make one a grinch NOR do you lose your badge towards improvement and growth. IN FACT: often the very appearance of some form of strife or 'problem' plays a significant role in the steps towards learning a lesson. Without the adversities we face in our lives we are not going to have the opportunity to walk through fear, understand sorrow, learn through strife and know the difference between happy and sad. You may have never thought you would hear me say this BUT: negativity is necessary. It is often, if viewed and assessed correctly, a harbinger for change and personal growth. THAT is what I am talking about day after day on this site. It is with great pleasure that I can write here that I have friends who understand just how human I am and allow me to let go or "vent" some of the feelings that come up every so often without gasping that I have slipped into some alternate plane of thinking and abandoned them on the road to positive reinforcement. AS long as I remember that the answer is in the positive, the negative can be a tool. NOW...on to Tuesday in what could be a trying week. FORTUNATELY I am ready for the lessons AND I have a good friend to write to when necessary. Have a great day!! |
From: FEB 08th, 2001:
A long time ago I heard a saying that went like this: "Would you rather be RIGHT or would you rather be HAPPY". Depending, of course, on which part of my life I was in the answer might have varied. In my life today the primary (if not only) goal is one of happiness. Yesterday I was able to realize something about myself. Even though I know of certain patterns and all too human traits that are either inherent or appear from time to time, there is something even more important that became obvious to me yesterday. I can be wrong. That isn't to say I was never wrong before, that would be a silly statement. What I really mean is I am able to ACCEPT being wrong. Big difference. There were times in my life that I would hold on to the denial of being wrong at any or all costs. That would, eventually, lead to stress, anger, moods and even PAIN simply out of being in a world quite the opposite of being happy. The fact that a person is able to be wrong marks a change for their personality. At least that is what I have been able to figure out for myself. By being wrong I am able to quickly move on to more positive things. I am able to learn something about whatever it is I was wrong about. I am able to learn humility and live honestly. These are character-building processes that are going to send you soaring to heights you may never have been able to achieve in the past. For me they are self-esteem building and REAL. Being wrong isn't as horrible as I had once thought. I don't lose face or become less of a human being. The opposite occurs. I am stronger and more capable of being the person that I know I would prefer to be. I am better. Being better, however, is not an immunity to being wrong, that could be a trap in and of itself. What is the point behind all of this? Sometimes when something happens and I find myself knowing or doubting that I am correct in a situation, the best way for me to be able to keep it all positive is to research or question and be honest enough to know when the mistake has been made. We all do it...that should be proof enough that it doesn't make us any less of a human being. Today is Thursday. Of that you can be sure I am NOT wrong. |
From: MAY 23RD, 2000:
In a little bit of a continuation on a theme, 9 years ago today I woke up in a jail cell. I was very hung-over and hazy. I had not yet begun to feel the effects of what would become a great withdrawal of many different aspects and poisons that had been living in my body for a great many years. I was not quite what you would call "sober", but by the same respect it was to be the first full day that I wouldn't take a drink or a drug. Today nine years later I am happy to report that this "habit" of NOT taking drugs or a drink is still intact. It is, after all, just a habit. Along the same lines I am coming to the conclusion that I am perfectly capable of changing anything in my life that isn't working, like a habit or a mannerism or a personality trait, simply by focusing and changing the habit to fit the needs that I am feeling. I have witnessed this phenomenon recently simply by deciding that I no longer liked the way that people reacted to me, simply out of the way that I had reacted to them. Let me explain, I was basically unhappy and as a result was beginning to show my disgust regarding the world around me in the way that I reacted to people. Although this happened primarily in my work, I found out one day that it was seeping into my everyday personality as well. I could have resigned myself to this anger and decided that the reactions were simply "who I am" or "part of my personality", but I didn't. One day I began to focus on somebody who always reacted to the things that I did around them and I realized how annoying and off-putting that was to me. That is a point of awakening. That is when you realize that this is the way that you are perceived and you stop dead in your tracks. I began to make myself aware of how I was speaking and reacting to every single person and situation that happened in my waking hours. With that focus I stopped the behaviors each and every time that I was performing them. They were habitual. I replaced them with other behaviors and reactions. I am here today to say that these new reactions and behaviors are now the habits. It is possible. It is real. It is also a result of what began for me nine years ago today. Without THAT experience I would never be where I am right now. The lesson is real and I am proud to have learned and lived it. I am grateful to be around and happy on this Tuesday in May. Have a wonderful day and I will be back tomorrow. |
From: MAY 2ND, 2000:
One of the best parts about a personal revelation is that it allows you to sit and breathe, relax and smile. My life appears clearer to me on a daily basis. Granted I am ultimately aware that the fog that sets in is man made. This man makes it. When I have the revelations the days could not be brighter, clearer and more appealing in the entirety of their scope. On this Tuesday I celebrate the fact that I peeled another layer off the onion yesterday. I realized that I had been mistaken for a great deal of time. Mistakes are, of course, part of the process. In my process I willingly admit that there have been many. Each time that I am made aware of a mistake I grow inside in leaps and bounds. I am climbing a long and luxurious staircase upwards to my own destiny and each step up is a little bit brighter. Who would have figured that this revelation would occur on a Monday? It actually began over my past weekend. I began to see patterns that didn't necessarily disturb me. I wasn't angry, bitter or resentful. It was more like a piece of furniture blocking an entrance that I, perhaps, did not know existed, or at the very least had forgotten. I am a thinker. I am a writer. The greatest percentage of my thoughts is creative and inspiring. They are thoughtful and they are about life and the affirming of my own goals and destiny. Being as human as I am (and loving the fact that I am), a smaller percentage of my thinking is geared in a direction of fear or projection. It becomes concentrated in a place that doesn't benefit me in any way shape and form. Being aware that there are certain times that this becomes more obvious, it being something that people fear, it is and has been pointed out to me as a weakness, a problem and a defect. "You think too much". "You are too analytical". Yesterday I agreed. I practically screamed it. YES I DO. YES I AM. That, my friends is who I am and WHO, I might add I LIKE to be. For the simple fact that I have grabbed this and made it my own, instead of walking around believing people and thinking that this GIFT is instead something incredibly wrong with me. Something that will not allow me to grow and must be changed in order to excel in human relationships or my very own destiny, I have stunted my own growth. That is wrong. That was then and this is now. Yesterday I opened a new door and walked through it. I am different and perhaps people in my life will need to be as well. I am thrilled. Let the growth begin. If it's Tuesday it must be a brand new character. God bless. |
From: APRIL 25TH, 2000:
April 25, 2000
Positive. Peace. Hope. Faith. Heart. Smile. Joy. Alive. New. Nourish. Beginning. Awareness. Meditation. Breathing. Laughing. Wishing. Transformation. Healing. Feelings. Living. Touching. Seeing. Smelling. Hearing. Understanding. Love. Compassion. Hugging. Kissing. Friends. Lovers. Solutions. Answers. Devotion. Optimism. Intuition. Time. Happiness. Learning. Skill. Knowledge. Teaching. Beauty. Opportunity. Chance. Luck. Creativity. Illumination. Independence. Entertainment. Discovery. Affirmation. Fate. Spring. Attunement. Intellect. Confidence. Travel. Encouragement. Imagination. Fantasy. Pretend. Compassion. Carefree. Limitless. Acceptance. Fulfillment. Attraction. Guidance. Openness. Sanctuary. Meaning. Recognition. Vision. Sleep. Enjoyment. Optimal. Writing. Reading. Truth. Conversation. Communication. Flow. Art. Music. Film. Caring. Victory. Gratitude. Choice. Accomplishment. Endeavor. Challenge. Essence. Clarity. Validation. Abundance. Poetry. Ownership. Spirit. Being. Trust. Youth. Maturity. Utopia. Party. Heart. Soul. Garden. Tree. Flower. Sun. Moon. Rain. Dove. Vitality. Energy. Patience. Breakthrough. Discovery. Cleansing. Silence. Innocence. Appreciation. Style. Nature. Modesty. Commitment. Determination. History. Future. NOW. Whole. Focus. Radiance. Horizon. Sunrise. Sunset. Transformation. Progression. Balance. Breathing. Growth. Stages. Triumph. Bravery. Soaring. Singing. Dancing. Partner. Mate. Wisdom. Expression. Talent. Simplicity. Purpose. Water. Promise. Day. Night. Morning. Evening. Sky. Earth. Sun. Moon. Purity. Leader. Encounter. Bold. Brave. Direction. Complete. Ability. Practice. Proficient. Loyal. Charity. Giving. Receiving. Incense. Candles. Quiet. Longevity. Full. Passion. Play. Sincerity. Insight. Diversity. Endurance. Recovery. Remembering. Asking. Mastering. People. Heart. Body. You. Me. Others. Original. Dream. Together. If you got this far you should feel a sense of uplift. I thought I would break from talking about myself and just utilize some favorite words. Words that make me feel good. It's Tuesday, why not? Have a nice day.
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From: APRIL 18TH, 2000:
I must start this passage with something that I read yesterday. It is something that I can honestly say that I had never actually looked at in this way. It is something that truly distinguishes a VICTIM from the OWNER of a spirit. It is from a book by Steven Chandler and to me it made a whole lot of sense. It reads: Remember a strong ownership position is: If there's no solution, there's no problem. If there's no solution, what we're dealing with is a FACT OF LIFE that we haven't yet accepted. Every problem has a solution, whether we can see it yet or not. And every solution requires a problem. Solutions are fun, but to get one, you need a problem. So what's wrong with problems? This man talks about how our thinking and language can be the difference between our becoming owners of the spirit or victims of the cruel, cruel world. Today I am going back to the courthouse in Van Nuys. Yesterday's experience was not at all bad. I read books and wrote in my journal. I brought a little TV with me and watched my show sitting in the over-crowded assembly room with approximately 250 others. I wasn't called until 3:30 and thought that I had gotten away with this. I was wrong. I got into the courtroom with 34 others and we listened to the judge. He told us what this was all about and what would be expected of us. The trial is a criminal case, a woman who is up for shoplifting. Today we are to return to be questioned by the attorneys. It is hard for me to say whether or not I am going to be chosen as a juror or not...but if my intuition is correct, I will be. I have no problem with this because it isn't a big deal. I know that there will be a lot of work waiting for me once I return to the job, but I cannot let this be an issue or "problem" with me any longer. I am not going to be with this job much longer. It is more and more clear to me everyday. Perhaps what I am doing is realizing that these days on jury duty are in actuality just days away from the drama that happens with overworked and unhappy people. Ok, it's not that bad, but I don't relish working for somebody who lives in the problem ALL the time. I like her, but it has become a problem for me. I must move on and I am hoping sooner rather than later. It is Tuesday. That is my Tuesday entry. Have a wonderful day, everyone. |
From: APRIL 12TH, 2000:
Today I want to talk about schedules, rituals and routines. I must say that I find myself thrown into a great deal of confusion and (dare I say it) stress or fear when I am deciding to do something that is off the beaten path from my normal day. It isn't until that time when the twist in routine is suggested or made available to me that I am thrown into this cloud of doubt as to whether or not I "can" do this. And why not? Mainly because I am a creature of habit. I am the sort of person that has a set mode of operation from the moment I wake up in the morning until the moment I put my head down on the pillow at night. I must do certain things, be certain places at certain times and accomplish certain tasks or somehow, someway my day or my entire being is not complete. Normally I will simply not stray from the normal everyday activities for the simple reasoning that I am busy. I have these activities to take care of and, quite frankly, I have conned myself into believing that the rituals are necessary and vital to my existence. As much as I must say that the things that I have placed into habit in my life are actually all productive and pleasurable or meaningful things, it is the unnatural fear of missing any one of them that is the real problem. Last night I had the opportunity to see a movie on the lot where I work. Normally I would not do this because I see enough movies during my weekends and the films on the lot are something I have already seen. This time it was an opportunity to see something before its release and in a week that has several other films I want to cram into a short period. I also had to think about it because normally would not spend any extra time at the place that I work than I absolutely have to. Besides, I like to go home and do a work out and sit down to my writing and updating of web sites. I was stressed out in thinking about changing my activities and somehow this would all throw me off. This is odd coming from someone who spends his every single moment thinking about change in his life. Is this irony or simple denial? There are so many levels to what makes a mind like mine tick. Are there any good hypnotists or therapists out there with a suggestion for me? Today I am changing my schedule a little by arriving to work at the normal time but then leaving to take my car in for a tune up. Don't think that I didn't have to think about how THAT would effect my schedule too. Pray for me on this Wednesday in April. Be sure to
have a nice day as well!! |
From: MARCH 16TH, 2000:
Today I am just being. That's what I've decided. There is a lot of activity going on around my life right now and I don't want to allow it to be anything but positive. Just being is often quite an accomplishment for me. I am a thinker. I can take absolutely any situation and think it to death. There are positive aspects to being a thinker. For one, I am well written and good in a conversation (if and when I choose to be). I love to constantly soak in and learn new things as well as expand upon my universe in the subjects that are already there. The downside of the thinking man is that often, and VERY often in my case, the thought process is a creation of soft and creeping destruction. The truth is that I, as a Pisces get deep into fantasy and introspective isolation, I can take the simplest of thoughts and gently weave it into a tapestry of guilt, fear, and disaster. Granted that is not the outcome of everything that I think about. I am capable of the tapestries of beauty, hope and successes. Often, in fact, I am in a world that is incredibly warm and safe. I happen to like that place and I am grateful for the opportunities to go there and live in peace. SNAP, suddenly I am back to real life. That can sometimes be harsh. So here I am in the real world slowly learning the process of thinking my way into the world that I want to be in. It is part of the "I Can" philosophy that I began to talk about yesterday. Let's assume that some things will never change. I am always going to be a thinker. As such I will in most situations be interpreted as an "intense" individual (until they get to know me well enough). The thought process is never going to stop. After all, unless I began to use heavy drugs again I am going to go places and think about the world according to Mark. Actually the world according to Mark is rather interesting. Ok, it is to Mark anyway. My trick is to weave the thought patterns into positive and productive arenas. It is possible and I will do it. On the days that there may be the possibility of digressing into a fearful thought pattern? I will decide instead to just be. Actually, just being is a nice restful place, meditative in a way. Today is Thursday and we are now into the second half of March. What's up with that? Have a wonderful day! |
From: MARCH 9TH,, 2000:
Today it is March 9, 2001. I am sitting by a window in my favorite restaurant and coffee/tea "house" on Old Compton St. in Soho writing in the journal that I have been keeping for nearly 10 years. It is a day of rest for me. I am taking it easy between the book that I am currently writing (the follow-up to the recently published first novel), the web sites that I maintain, and the articles and journals that I am in demand for these days. There is a slight drizzle as I watch the blend of regulars and curious tourists walk by the window and stare in at me. They are all wondering what my story is. I sit and wonder what theirs is as well. There's a relaxing chill in the air that is trademark for London at this time of the year. I am used to it, having lived here now for several months. My partner and I made residence here in October of last year. It was an easy decision. I, for one, had wanted to live here for years. Earlier last year I had been strategizing the vacation to London when everything began to happen. I was working for Columbia TriStar International Television when I was suddenly struck with ideas, all sorts of them. I had been writing/updating a website daily and putting myself out there for the world to see. All of a sudden there was a spark somebody had become intrigued. The next thing that I knew I was reviewing movies for a magazine in Los Angeles and writing a column about daily life for a middle aged YOUNG gay man. Before I knew it I had an agent and the syndicated offers began to come in. I was writing about this topic and commenting about that. I was in my element and my life was flowing like the Thames River. Then inspiration struck and I holed myself up for weeks with an idea that simply flowed from mind to page. I left my job knowing full well that I was taken care of and that my life was on a fast track to exactly where I wanted it to be. Once finished my lover and I sold the manuscript to a publisher and made our plans to follow our hearts to a land that brings me alive in it's architecture, people, music, theater, and all around splendor. I moved to London. I began the new millennium here and now here I sit, espresso in hand gazing at the people who are walking by the restaurant. What a difference a year can make to one who has faith in himself. Now that, my friends, is my dream. Have a wonderful Thursday. I will see you tomorrow. |
From: MARCH 2ND, 2000:
I should talk about yesterday a little bit. I am very aware that when I write in this entry that I am usually in a spiritual high of one sort or another. There are several reasons for that. One is that I made a commitment with myself and for this site that if I were to write a bit to be viewed by the world, it would be honest and relevant to my experience. Granted, as a result of the writing, my experiences have been boosted and at times better than they might have been otherwise. I told myself, however, that even if the day were not all that I could call "good, spiritual, calming, or any other number of like-minded words, that I would write honestly but be sure to include a viable solution to the mix. Yesterday was an odd day for me. It was a strange imbalance of anger and fear that had me in my own little nasty world. All of the solutions I have learned and continue to learn from friends, experiences, books and just accumulation of life didn't seem to apply to the canvas. This is not a case of self-pity that I am speaking of; I certainly know how to recognize that. Instead it can only be described as a day of gathering, a day in which I was in need of going down to a lower place within myself to look at something. Why would I want to do that? The truth is that I didn't want to. It happened because it happened. To me there is no other reasonable explanation. I am realizing more and more these days that the world and what happens for me in it is all about choices. It is true that whatever place I may have found myself in was entirely due to a choice I was making to be there. Perhaps one day I will be more 'powerful' and be able to examine the choice and veto it. As a matter of fact I am actually enlightened enough at this point to be able to do just that on certain days. I DO choose to be happy. I do choose to allow the world as it exists around me to be a good one and a better one for me. I have not, however, reached the ultimate means of choice for all occasions. Yesterday I needed to recharge the batteries. Pain does equal growth. The feelings that I was feeling were necessary and topical for the person that I am and the person that I am becoming. The best part about it is that it was yesterday and now it is today. Proof positive (and I do mean positive) that absolutely everything does pass. I welcome you all to Thursday and thank you for reading my moments again. See you tomorrow!! |
From: FEBRUARY 25TH, 2000:
I must start today's entry with a bit about my yesterday. It was rather interesting in that my mild and spiritual world was thrown into overwhelm. To give you some background I should tell you that my life is incredibly hectic in the work world. I try to the best of my abilities to maintain a world of peace and solutions. This is in a heavy contrast to a life that I lived for so long which proved without fail not to work. I am actually getting good with the world. Strange as that may seem I am able to look for the positive and avoid the reactions that make everything all that much more difficult than it needs to be. There was a time that I did nothing but blame and complain. The truth of that sort of an existence is that I am the one that is doing the most suffering. I am the one that is beating myself up endlessly. SO...I took the initiative and began slowly to change this persona in myself. I decided that I didn't like myself that way and that habits or behavior CAN be changed. What happened is that I proved that to be correct. Granted, I am not, nor do I desire to be an angel or johnny do-good. There is still a great edge to my personality, but the point behind it is that I am not there to make my or anyone else's life difficult. There is a law of karma out there that I live by. I am blessed with having found out that before it was to late. My karma is good. I get things done. I am not walked upon or thought of as an easy mark. I am not stupid. I am, however, very human and yesterday things simply overwhelmed me. I had to stop on many occasions during my day to breath, to think or to simply regroup my thinking and to allow the fear to be identified. Of course, like everything else in this world, this passed and by the time I was home this evening it was gone. Overwhelm is simply a form of fear. Fear is prevalent in my life when I am not trusting. To say that I don't trust is a sad statement, but all I need to do is to recognize this fact and turn that around. That brings me to Friday. Things are still a little scary for me, but I am standing on a firm foundation. There is something magical and amazing happening in my life and I am going to let it happen to and for me slowly, surely and simply. I am a part of this and it a part of me. It's Friday, folks. Nothing could be finer. I am going to see a movie this afternoon because the boss is off. Tonight? Some wonderful conversation, I am sure of that. Thanks for being here and have a wonderful Friday!! |
From: FEBRUARY 8TH, 2000:
Hello again to everyone. I am about to move into a stream of consciousness. In my life it would seem that everything is status quo. I am not complaining about that, it is a blessing in disguise to be free of the creation of even a mini-"drama" in ones life. It does not make things dull, it simply says that life is allowing you to relax, regroup and perhaps even reload for the next round. Now, that hardly sounded spiritual, but believe it or not, I meant it to be. This life is a wonderful mixture of emotions and experiences that are all coming together to bring me on a path to wherever I am supposed to go. I love the adventure. I love the challenges the adventure brings. I also LOVE the down days, the days in which I can be relaxed and take a lot of deep breaths. In the normal day of life and all it entails I am quite grateful to be able to find the times that are just for me (and some peace and quiet). Days like yesterday and today are like a vacation. I do what is placed in front of me and realize that my life is working. How often do we tell ourselves that our life isn't working? My life is much like most anyone else's. There are highs and lows, good days and bad. I am human and as such I can be gracious and compassionate and selfish and withdrawn. I am a man with needs and goals and often expectations that come with the package. With the acceptance of all of this and the package that it comes in as well as the surrender to feelings and all that they are about, I have grown. I am now able to find that some days it is perfectly all right to just BE. Of course tomorrow may be a whole different subject, but I am not there now so I am not at all worried. My journal writings have been the one constant means of gauging what my life is and how I can always find the solution to whatever is "going on". Often I am amazed at how important something seemed during a period previous to the one I am in. I have learned that everything passes by writing everything down. As of last year I have started to write for various points of interest in my life and as a result I have in a great way been reborn yet again. It is amazing how many times we can discover new facets of ourselves within the same lifetime. It would seem that I have had several lives within my own. Perhaps one day I will write a book. Not today. Today I will simply write about me, the movies, Tao, soap operas, television and whatever else happens to come out of this brain and onto the portal in front of me. You are welcome to read any and all of it. Be sure, however, to have a great Tuesday no matter what. |
From: JANUARY 13, 2000:
Something is different. Could be the new moon today, could be that I am waking up out of a short life nap? Who knows why I go through whatever I go through. Yesterday I had the privilege of learning more about myself. I am becoming a little more aware of the fact that I need some work on living in the moment. That can be done as easily as to change language in process. It's about the tense of the word. I found myself speaking in terms of completion yesterday while the fact was that I was still in a moment. I am always in the moment. My problem is that I don't always recognize this fact and embrace it. As with everything else in the world that I am living in, I must simply be sure to become conscious of all the little things in my life that could possibly be the impetus of changes that I am desiring in my life. I look at things in perspective and realize that I am doing quite well. I have an immense amount of gratitude about the gifts that have been bestowed upon me. Things are taken for granted. The more that I feel gratitude and give away of myself, the better I will ultimately feel. The truth is that there are charming and gentle people in this world. I know a few. I was with one yesterday. The truth is that there are days when I am not so sure of this and isolate myself for protection. That is NOT the answer. That only tends to make me fall into the process of over-self analyzation. I am faring better and better as time goes on, but ultimately I may always be my own worst critic. There must come a point that I move on from the critic role once and for all. I spend so much time and effort trying my best to discontinue the judgment of others, but it rarely occurs to me that I should do the same justice for myself. It might help if I do that first in order to make the rest of the world a little easier of a place to co-exist. Granted, I do that fine. I do that better than fine. All is well and that is good. For the gift that I spent time with yesterday, I return mine. My spirit of living in the moment and without expectation. There is no need to wonder what something will be when there are no answers and the moment will do just fine. Another lesson learned (yet again), and such a charming messenger. Thursday has arrived. I am here with it and ready for it's events. I hope everyone else enjoys the day as well. |
From: JANUARY 1ST, 2000:
Well, everything seems to be in order around my household. I decided to write today's update in the morning rather than the usual night before. I have never really expected that there would be some sort of meltdown of technology, but one can never be all that sure of the world. In getting here it is business as usual and all is in it's place. That makes me happy. I must admit that I am thrilled to see this day finally happen. There are several reasons. One would be because there is a wonderful feel about the holiday of the New Year. I feel rejuvenated, regenerating, hopeful, happy, serene, and excited about all the things that are open and available to me as a human on this earth. The path is mine to take and the choices belong to me. A new start, a refreshing perspective. What could possibly be wrong with that? The other reason that I am glad this is all here today is that the hype, God willing, can now start to die down. There was so much earthly anticipation for this event and day that the media over did it immensely. I am hoping now that we can carry on with life and the world. 1999 was a good year for me. 2000 will be better and I am ready to start getting on with it. I have to say that the programming that they had on the airwaves yesterday was for the most part all very interesting. PBS was very eclectic in their coverage of some of the lesser-populated or known areas of the world in celebration. That was really quite interesting and beautiful. It is truly the one holiday that is celebrated by all. I spent a very quiet evening at home with a friend. I thought of another friend in New York. I received calls from a few friends from the past. With all the coverage, it almost seemed slightly anti-climatic once we got to Los Angeles. I went to bed soon after the change of the calendar. It was funny.... at that point the quiet evening at home became a barrage from outside of partiers and beeping horns. For at least another hour to hour and a half. They were all having fun. Now the new day is here and I am ready for it. I will start with coffee and the newspaper. To all those out there that actually come in and visit this site, Happy New Year! I hope last night was and the coming year will be safe. I wish you all the things that you want for your lives. |
From: NOVEMBER 27TH, 1999:
Yesterday I read about authenticity. It revealed a great deal to me that I may or may not have already known. I see the lack of authenticity everywhere. We all play games. We all hide from things and pretend not to know others. Lies are a part of life whether we want to admit it or not. My book asked me: What kinds of games do I play? I suppose that I had to think about it for a moment. Then I wanted to deny, perhaps lie and claim spiritual armor. To be my authentic self would be to do what I do, dress as I dress, be as I am and FEEL what I feel without trying to pretend that any of it isn't there or isn't real. I am human. Mistakes are natural occurrences. In order to be authentic I must accept and acknowledge the occurrences that I think, do and say in this life. The chances are when people in my life do something ugly it is a reflection in some part of myself. I must be in touch with my feelings and be honest. Whoa...tall order, but not impossible. Authenticity is a challenge in an inauthentic world. Being me and not comparing myself to you is the order of the day. I like the idea...But there may be certain AOL chat rooms that I will have to steer clear of. :-) Have a wonderful Saturday everyone. Drop me a line and be authentic. I appreciate real.
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From: NOVEMBER 15TH, 1999:
I had an interesting day yesterday. First of all I spent a lot of it in a zombie state. Saturday night I had an insomnia attack. I don't know why beyond a guess that I am thinking too much about how I would like my life to change. When there is too much on my mind I sometimes can find myself staring at the ceiling in the middle of the night. It is so quiet and I am lying there trying to sleep and thinking, thinking, thinking. I am NOT a negative person, but fear of the unknown can be a very potent and powerful enemy. I finally did sleep for a little while, but got up early anyway. It's been a very nice day despite this bout with sleeplessness. My book reminds me "Whatever you repress will become stress." It also tells me the age old goodie: "When one door closes another one opens." I guess what I am learning AGAIN today is that I am grateful that I have the talents and the tools that I do have. My writing. My journals and this page. This and communication in the world are the means to NOT allowing myself to repress. Letting go of fear and remembering that whatever I lose I lose for a reason AND that reason is often to create room for whatever else the world holds in store. So much food for thought, I think that I am filling up for the day. Happy Monday everyone. Oxymoron? |
From: NOVEMBER 8TH, 1999:
Today I want to talk about choices. For a lot of my life I have not been fully aware that I have the freedom of life that I do. I may have known some of this before...but yesterday I really heard it. I really KNEW that my life had just changed in a most specific and wonderful way. I had changed inside. Sometimes when things are not working any longer...and that happens in life; my silence is the fear of letting go of the old and facing the new. By being silent, however, I am settling. I am living my life by default. I am not growing. I am not being what I can be or living up to my full potential. In essence, I am cheating myself out of the TRUE me. "When we choose to follow a certain path or engage in a certain activity, it is because that choice holds a lesson for us. When we stand still, refusing to choose, we miss the divine opportunity to develop our intuition and obey the whisperings of our heart." (Iyanla Vanzant) - When I realized that I had been living my life by default suddenly I knew that my CHOICE was easy. I must change. In order to change I must change behavior, change the way I think and perceive. I must take action and NOT be silent. Today I am beginning a conscious beginning to a new way of seeing things, doing things and being. Not bad. |
From: OCTOBER 29TH, 1999:
I took the day off from work today. There is plenty to do and plenty NOT to do. I appreciate that I am able to do this sort of thing. It is a slice of life to be able to just relax and do the things that you want to do. This weekend promises to be a very interesting one. I am meeting somebody that I look forward to meeting. There is the part of me that is afraid. That (at least for me) is natural. If there is no fear (at whatever scale,) there is no passion. Passion is my goal in life. I want and seem to need it in every aspect of my life. I want passion in my career, my relationships, my hobbies and pastimes. I don't want to miss out on what life has to offer. The irony is that potential passion looks scary when it becomes real and moves beyond the theory. But...walking through fear nearly always seems to prove that the fear is not real. It is, like so many other fears, created by myself. I look forward to the best possible results and know that the person that I am meeting is already my friend. This world constantly surprises me. How selfish that I forget that on the days that it doesn't. |
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